Perspectives of a transient girl

2011: A very, very good year

2012-01-03T20:17:00.005-06:00

In 2011 I:

-finished grad school
-married a super cool dude
-became a Miller
-planned a wedding and survived
-met and fell in love with Katie Lobmeyer
-discovered and devoured Dexter, Breaking Bad, Homeland, The Wire, Happy Endings, Cougar Town, Community and New Girl
-saw Black Swan and scarred my soul
-broke up with Miranda July, just a little bit, after watching The Future
-watched K-State win 10 regular season football games
-went to New Orleans and St. Louis for the first time
-moved back into my favorite apartment
-ate an enormous amount of chinese food
-developed a healthy addiction to sweet tea
-still managed to lose 15 pounds
-maintained a steady relationship with the natatorium (see: previous line)
-let Jason Katims make me cry. Consistently.
-was blown away by Haley Reinhart and that stupid, stupid show
-helped a zillion people graduate
-discovered Spencer Hall and his amazing EDSBS site and alphabetical column

It was a ridiculously good year for me. And then, in the last week of this stellar 2011, I was offered my very first library job. The adventure begins January 23rd. 2012 better bring it.

Pre-season picks

2011-08-29T20:34:00.016-05:00

Hey guess what? It's still not football season. I've been doing research to try to satisfy my cravings, but it's futile. Here are my expert predictions, for those of you who have real lives that don't revolve around college football season. They could turn out to be terrible underperformers like Frank Murphy, Brandon Harold, and Marcus Watts: the later years. But for now, they're the highest of my hopes.

DEFENSE

We's gonna get you... just, maybe, don't move so fast all the time.

#27, Cornerback: David Garrett

What's a defensive player doing playing receiver? Thanks, other guys.

David's my favorite defensive player this year. He's small. He's mighty. He's undersized and extra motivated. Basically, he's the K-State special of the year. Only Snyder would give him a chance and only Snyder could get him to be so productive. Though I don't put much stock in silly David Ubben, he chose Garrett as our only representative on this list. So, there's that. Also, can you believe Herbie's prediction about Tuggle? He's not even a fan and he's still drinking the Blinn Co. kool-aid. It's enough to make me wonder...

#12, Safety: Ty Zimmerman

Junction City native, coach's son, eager to please with great instincts. His big game last year was against Texas, where he picked off Garrett Gilbert twice. Since then, you can find two jerseys in town - #8 and #12. He's still learning, but he never makes the same mistake twice. I like watching him grow up play by play. His family should help keep him from the sophomore slump and I'm hoping he's even more surprising this year. He can't hit like Cooper, but he's got a little Canty in him.

#4, Middle Linebacker: Arthur Brown

I'm buying the hype. For starters, the bar is set so low for the K-State run defense. Arthur has the speed and the size and the football IQ to create immediate improvement. Dude is silly fast. I'm not sure if he's the leader he needs to be to keep the unit together, but he'll at least incite some fire on the line. Coach likes him, I like him. Also, this video sure makes both of the brothers look pretty damn cool.

#3, Cornerback: Allen Chapman

I have no idea if Allen will be any good. The cornerback position is supposedly the most competitive on the team and on the first depth chart he was falling behind. That aside, his teammates call him Bubba and his middle name is Furious. You've got to have faith in a name like that. Now wait a second. Stop, think, and get a good clear picture in your mind of what you think Bubba Furious looks like. Were you right? About any of it?

OFFENSE

Yes I know, Daniel Thomas is gone. We have a new #8 this year, but I doubt we'll see anything as cool as this for awhile.

#28, Running Back: Robert Rose

He's the little one. Yes, the really little one.

I hope this kid plays, because he is absolutely my favorite offensive player this year. I love tiny running backs. Coach is still being coy about him, but I like this comparison. Realistically, he's third string, but I think the position will have a lot of rotation this year to keep lines guessing. He's a William Powell story, though a little less tragic. His trainer is Mario Smith, which means we have a new reason to watch this clip again. How can you not cheer for a tiny running back? Tiny running backs and giant fullbacks. It's classic Big 8 football.

#7, QB1: Collin Klein

An obvious choice, but he's just such a good guy. He even understands the importance of clean room/dirty room coaching. His main strength should be his leadership, which might just be enough to keep Bryce in check. His option read was terrific last year - the biggest question is whether he can utilize all those wide receivers Michael Smith has coached up.

#37, Fullback: Braden Wilson

Rock Cartwright (real) and Tim Riggins (fictional) are two of my favorite football players of all time. The fullback position is such a physical, dominating surprise. You either get a huge block or a crazy run or you have no idea they exist. Braden is an NFL caliber fullback that has earned huge praise from Snyder. Now that Daniel Thomas is gone and Snyder is busy teaching Bryce Brown humility, Braden should get the carries and the notice he deserves. Oh, and he's from Smith Center. He's Bill Snyder football.

#16, Wide Receiver: Tyler Lockett

All the receivers look great, and I doubt Tyler will get much playing time, unless we have the same injury problems as last year. I'd love to see Tyler emerge as our go-to return guy on special teams, but he could be a couple of years away from that. My sentimental heart can't not put him on my list. I'm sure he'll be the number I look for the most, even if he turns in a quiet freshman season. It'll be exciting to see if it turns out more like his Daddy or his Uncle. Oh, and does anyone else remember this? I'm surprised Tyler was allowed to play after that.

Is it too early to get excited for the other #4? Probably. But this is encouraging.

Final Prediction: I think we win 10 games this year, but we'll need the bowl game to do it. Yup. I'm adopting the Steven Miller philosophy of reckless optimism. Why not?

Goodness, I love that tunnel.

Playing favorites

2011-07-29T16:42:00.003-05:00

My top 5 indulgences:

1. Getting my hair cut at Gaia

It's completely extravagant. First you get a five minute scalp massage. Then they wash your hair in fancy Aveda shampoo. Then after the shampoo they wrap a hot wet towel around your head. Then they cut your hair and fix it fancy with tons of product. Then they even put powder on your face and gloss or chapstick your lips for you. It's amazing. Crystal has been my hairdresser at Gaia for the past two years and she is the most normal, down to earth, regular person. Her hair is always the same, she's never wearing heels and I don't even think she wears make-up. She's awesome. And it's worth it.

2. Lunch at Houlihan's

This one is pretty simple. At lunch, they bring you fresh, hot, chocolate chip cookies. Regardless of what you order. And if you go with Steven, you get to eat both of the cookies because he can't have dairy. Sure, it's probably triple the calories of your entire meal but again, totally worth it.

3. HBO

I canceled Netflix this week. Steven finally convinced me that while we have HBO, we don't really need Netflix. I got HBO because of the HBO Go app that lets you watch entire seasons of old and new HBO shows. I've been meaning to see all of The Sopranos, Six Feet Under, Deadwood, The Wire, Treme, Boardwalk Empire, Curb Your Enthusiasm and Big Love anyway. Now I get it whenever I want it, no rental required. But he's right. There's no reason to pay for Netflix when all I'm streaming is HBO shows right now. I can't believe it finally came to this. Feels like the end of an era. Now the Wii is even more ignored.

4. Sweatpants

Since I started working full-time (it's been 3 years now. How can that BE?) I've developed a deep affinity for sweatpants. I own one pair of jeans that fits and one pair that fits for a night out. The rest of my pants are sweatpants. Different lengths, different colors, different weights. And the one that rules them all is my gray pair of super soft, incredibly comfy Gap Outlet Gap Body gray sweatpants. I think I might cry if I lost them. I hate washing them, because laundry should always be done in sweatpants, and you should always wear your comfiest pants. Even now, in the middle of a heatwave, we keep the AC high enough that I can wear them when I come home from work. And I do! Immediately! I remember thinking it was odd that Mom changed clothes every day right after work. Dad never changed. I never changed after school. But now I get it. After spending all day in panty hose, dresses, skirts, khakis, there is nothing better then changing into your lounge clothes and just leaving all of the workday behind. Everyone should own a truly wonderful pair of sweatpants.

5. The Cabin

The cabin is the best week of the year, every year. It has it all. More chips than you could ever eat. More pop than you should ever consume. There's awesome sister giggle time. There's adorable nieces. There's quality time with Dad. There's Matthew's biscuits and gravy. There's sausage and sauerkraut. There's hammock naps and sky chairs and fluffy recliners and Brennen music. There's card games and dominoes and puzzles and reading aloud. There's sunrises and sunsets and rain and fresh air and you get to wear your sweatpants all week long. It is extravagance in the best possible way.

How are you doing?

2011-06-27T18:57:00.002-05:00

I ran into a former colleague on campus today and she asked me how I was doing. Not in a general way, but in a pointed, concerned, how are you doing? I wanted to tell her the truth. I wanted to say:

"Great! I've been watching Million Dollar Decorators and Dexter and I just love it. Don't you wish real life was more like that?"

or

"Fantastic! I've been drinking more water and eating bananas and taking probiotics and I feel better than ever. Thank you so much for noticing!"

or

"Stressed. I tried to order my personalized playing cards for the wedding from The Knot wedding shop, but then I miscalculated the discount so I tried to add 10 more decks to the order and then miscalculated it again and wanted to go back down to the original order and now the original charge isn't showing up in my online banking and their customer service hours are in PST time which I think is Pacific which I can never figure out except it's really late because when we play UCLA in football the game doesn't start until 10. Y'know?"

or

"Indecisive. I'm putting together my wedding registry and can't quite picture every room in my future home so I just keep registering for different types of the same thing in different colors just in case. Also, do you think I'll ever need a ramekin?"

But instead I just said that I finished grad school. It's really the perfect response. Specific, current, academic, and a complete thought that needs no supporting details to make sense. How are you? Fine, I finished grad school. Congratulations! Good seeing you. Exit.

I can't say that I wished more people truly told me how they were. My friends, yes. Family, bring it on. Funny strangers, absolutely. Students, waiters, janitors, landlords - keep it to yourself. But it would be nice to run into these former colleagues and get a 30 second snap shot of their actual lives and thoughts and activities that day. We pass each other so formally now, in between meetings on campus or in the food court at the union. It would be so great if we could just dial back in to those times we used to work together, and pick up as if no time had passed. What's the point of building a network if they all just become awkward acquaintances?

I suppose I should really spear head this movement by acting on this impulse instead of cowardly posting about it after the fact. I guess I could say that this blog is the first attempt at leading this movement because it has become its own sort of awkward acquaintance over the past year. Let the truth stand in this blog, a symbol for what is and what should never be. (Yes, that was a reference to the Zeppelin song recently covered by Haley Reinhart on American Idol. Yes, you are correct in thinking that she is amazing and you should set up a Google Alert for her.... now).

In the spirit of saying exactly what's on my mind, here's a countdown of things I'm looking forward to. You're welcome to join me in anticipation.

20 days until the season 4 premiere of Breaking Bad on AMC
25 days until we visit the Coffindaffers in St. Louis
33 days until we leave for the cabin
68 days until kick-off
4 months and 7 days until the wedding
4 months and 9 days until the honeymoon

Oh, and I'm not sure if you caught on to this yet, but I did in fact finish grad school. I'm all done. Forever and ever and ever amen. Bring on watermelon for dinner and TV on DVD marathons. It's summer and I've earned it.

Home

2011-06-05T21:48:00.003-05:00

Last year Steven and I spent Memorial Day weekend painting our house. Remember that? We spent all weekend cleaning walls, tarping furniture, listening to Harry Potter on CD and stressing ourselves out over purple and orange walls and buying the right paintbrushes. And now, a year later, we spent our Memorial Day packing up that enormous house to move back into the apartment I lived in when we first met.

It's a good thing. A very good thing.

The Hillcrest house was my first house. I learned a lot about my preferences from that house. For one, I think I prefer pastel paint colors. And Steven DEFINITELY prefers pastels. Second, I hate wood floors. This is odd, because I love the details of old houses, and pretty nearly every house that I've liked on the outside has wood floors on the inside. I hate wood floors so much that I completely understand people who put carpet down over wood floors. They just get so dirty. All the time. You have to dust every day. And your feet are cold. And you spend all this time looking for giant rugs to put over your beautiful dirty wood floor. And you have to have more than a stick vacuum that has no attachments to clean anything other than wood floors.

Like I said, it's a good thing.

Moving back to the Pierre house appeals to me on a lot of different levels. First, the nostalgia and sentimentality of the situation is just perfect. I wrote a journal entry my first (first) night in the Pierre house and it was all about hope and wonder about what that apartment and year would bring me. And I was right to feel a sense of "big" coming. That was the year I graduated from college (early) and met Steven. I only got to live in the Pierre house for 6 months because of the early graduation decision and I hated leaving. The first place I moved after the Pierre house turned out to be full of mold. Remember that one? We walked by it on our way to Orange Leaf last night and saw this happy sign:

To live here this year, the year I get to marry Steven and finish my Masters degree and watch K-State go to a BCS bowl again (Brown brothers!) is the best possible scenario that I could have imagined.

It's good to be home.

Someone like you

2011-03-10T22:08:00.000-06:00

This song has been playing on repeat for the last hour. It just kills me. Thank you Adele. My melodramatic heart loves a classic break-up song.

Poor little rich girl

2011-01-28T15:00:00.002-06:00

Overheard in the Eisenhower bathroom:

(Girl on cell phone)
"Helloooo. I just got out of a 2 hour meeting about my Truman scholarship. I don't think you understand how involved it is. And it's only 32,000 dollars. It's not even that much."

You're so young, you're so GD young.

Or maybe I'm just feeling O-L-D.

Thank you, Ron Swanson

2011-01-21T08:27:00.003-06:00

Parks and Rec is back! It almost fills the football sized hole in my heart. Almost.

Hint - Click on the picture to see every detail of greatness.

We interrupt the football coverage to bring you an amazing performance by She & Him

2010-12-29T21:43:00.000-06:00

Thank goodness Steven DVRs Conan, otherwise I never would have caught this. I still can't stand the monologues, but his musical guests alone are worth adding him to your DVR schedule. This episode was particularly great as it included an interview with the always bizarre Sarah Silverman.

Wish list for 2011: See She & Him in concert.

The last Nebraska showdown

2010-12-28T23:37:00.006-06:00

We missed the UCF game because of Dana's wedding, which turned out to be a lucky break. We tried to catch the game in the Pizza Hut in Osborne, but due to the world's most ominous clouds, we watched an hour of delay programming and the ugliest 2nd quarter of K-State football that I've seen since the Prince era. Not good, friends. When we left for the church I was sure we were headed for our first loss of the season. But somehow, through the power of Dana and Justin's nuptials, Carson Coffman found some leadership and we ended up 4-0.

Unfortunately, that luck did not carry over to our Thursday night ESPN showdown with Nebraska. There was no luck that night. Just high, high hopes....

I hate how well Nebraska travels. Too much red in that stadium. Makes me never want to go to away games.

And then sickening realizations...

I hate you Nebraska, and your history of running quarterbacks. Like Tommie Frazier all over again.

Michael Bishop was in the house, and when I saw him walk out of the tunnel, it felt like such a good omen. We chose new seats for the game, closest to the tunnel and in the corner, where we thought we could see more of the endzone. They were great seats for pre-game.

Pre-game started out great. There was energy, a packed house and skydivers that landed on the field! What could possibly go wrong? I felt nervous in our new seats, even though we got to be next to the players as they came out of the tunnel. I just felt like we were too far away from the endzone crowd to really control the emotion and pace of the game. Although, I'm not sure if there was any seat in the house that felt in control of the game after that botched 4th down attempt. Suffice it to say, Bo did not get mad that night. Taylor Martinez had a record setting game, and I had a hard time moving forward with the same enthusiasm. A loss is always more crushing in football than it is in basketball, but there's just always been something about Nebraska. I know Coach wanted it, and we all wanted it to at least be close. Instead it was embarrassing, and revealed for the first time just how young our defense was.

I'd like to say that I was a good fan and kept the faith, but the truth is that the season felt over for me after that. We had some good ups and downs, more wins and losses, and our first bowl berth since 2006. But beating Nebraska would have been better than all of that. If only. I'll take comfort in not seeing that game on our schedule next year. But I'll take more comfort in seeing Nebraska struggle in the Big 10 next year.

Golden Birthday

2010-12-28T22:46:00.008-06:00

Let's catch up, shall we?

Back in September of this year, I turned 25 on September 25th. My cousin Dana also got married that day so I celebrated my golden birthday a little early. In the past couple of years, Dad has proven to be the best birthday shopper in my life. After years of books and study guides for birthdays and christmas, he has rewarded me with techie goodies. When he came to visit this summer and see my newly painted digs, he noticed that the only thing missing was a flat screen HDTV for football season.

He is enormous and flat and beautiful. Not only did it make every other TV in the house obsolete, it's given me a new perspective on entertainment. HD is the only way to watch TV.

Not to be outdone, Steven took the opposite approach to win my gadget loving heart. Where Dad went big, he went small.

My iPad was quickly christened Gordon, and has become an indispensable member of the family. Hailey sent me this adorable carrying case for him, and Steven's co-workers introduced us to the Angry Birds. Steven's Dad got him a Nook for his birthday, so our house is appropriately gadgeted for 2010.

Steven is all of 1 day younger than me, so we celebrated our birthdays together, even though his golden birthday isn't until next year. I had a pretty good hunch that he had bought me the iPad, so I tried to catch up in volume. It's a family tradition.

My 24th year was spent accumulating creature comforts - house, yard, garage, driveway, painted walls, real furniture, big screen laptop, CD player for Iggy, home WiFi, and now a fancy TV and iPad. It's made me appreciate being at home, settling in and enjoying these conveniences. I'm sure it's made me entirely too dependent on stuff, but for now, I'll just appreciate the fact that we're young, with good jobs, and small bills. 25 is good.

Homecoming

2010-11-03T21:25:00.010-05:00

Picture = theme of post. Consider yourself previewed.

I have neglected you, dear blog. There have been happenings. There have been big games followed by big losses. Big birthdays full of big TVs and tiny tablet computers. The men in my life know me so well. There have been weddings and secrets and curtains and the first boot purchase of 2010.

And then came Homecoming.

Rachael was in town, which meant that I went to the Homecoming parade for the first time since the dreadful Homecoming Committee experience. One girl, two cones and a driveway does not a pleasurable memory make. This time was marginally better. No candy, good weather and we got to hear Bill Snyder talk. That was nice. Also the emcee for Homecoming was a boy from my graduating class. Which made me feel OLD. Steven and I snuck out early to reserve a table at Hibachi Hut for dinner. Steven chatted up the little old reservation lady and got her to call us when our table was ready. Which led to the best discovery ever.... the Bistro sells beer. It was a nice respite from the crowd of matching jackets and Ugg boots.

We got home about 9 that night and I was exhausted. Steven was too, which is why I was so surprised when he woke up promptly at 6:30 Saturday morning and refused to go back to sleep. Turns out he had a "surprise" that he needed to "finish" that morning. I was too sleepy to demand an explanation. He came back in to wake me up at 8 and say that we had to leave in an hour and that we wouldn't have time to come back before the game. Interesting. Slightly more awake and definitely more curious, I took a shower. I ran through all the positive possibilities in my mind which took about 2 minutes. Then I let the bad ones take shape which got me all the way through the powercat tattoo and blow dry. By the time I had packed my gameday bag, I was exhausted and just hoping we were getting pancakes. Hypotheticals make me hungry.

The mandatory pre-game photo was extra special this weekend.

Steven, who I finally noticed had been wearing his coat and shoes and sitting on the couch since 6:30, finally let us leave the house and head to the car. After some nifty driving diversions, I realized we were not going to a tailgate, getting an early seat, eating breakfast at the burger shack or stopping by the office to pick up old chili. We were at Steven's church. Which was empty. But he had a key. And was suddenly full of the smallest small talk ever. "Sometimes we come up here on Wednesdays so that the church ladies can use the basement." "Do those TVs get ESPN Gameday?" "My, what comfy cushions are on these pews." Etc, and so on, painfully.

I knew what was coming at this point, and was completely terrified. Don't puke. Don't blurt it out before he says it. Just sit tight, be quiet and stay in the moment. It's terrible, when big life moments are happening. TV and movies and books have ruined big life events for me. There's so much pressure to act the right way, to not be cliche, to be honest, to be real, to just be present. I tried to turn off my mind and be, but mostly I felt pulled in a million directions, overwhelmed with what was happening, overwhelmed by everything that was right (Steven) and could never be right (miss you Momma) on that day. He said sweet things and got on one knee and dropped the ring and the blubbering tears came, which was good, because he had wrapped the ring in kleenex for the blubbering moment. So prepared. There was such relief after the ring was there and on my finger and we could finally tell each other why we had been acting so crazy.

Happy kids in church. Oh happy happy relieved happiness.

So the power of the ring didn't extend to a K-State victory, but I take full responsibility for the revival of the K-State defense. I also saw Carson Coffman in Goodcents today, and I'm pretty sure he felt the good luck vibes. The football season of my engagement will end with the first K-State bowl game since 2006. It must. It's in my prenup.

We took a lot of these kinds of pictures.

All in all, it was as perfect as could be. Engaged on a football Saturday, before a home game, on Homecoming weekend. Did I mention that my men know me well? It's been a good Fall.

Purple Get Ready to Roll

2010-10-07T09:47:00.003-05:00

It is a big day. Can you feel it, out there in the void?

Today is the final football showdown between K-State and Nebraska.

Today is Bill Snyder's 71st birthday.

Today, legendary quarterback (and one of my favorite football heroes) Michael Bishop, will be back for the game.

We're undefeated. We have a superstar running back, an underused kick-off return man, big tall receivers and a senior offensive line. If we win, we're on track to playing in the last ever Big 12 championship. If we lose, I feel as if the rest of the season will be played out without enthusiasm.

When Bill Snyder came out of retirement to return as head Coach, it was as if he had risen from the dead. The Prince years were so bleak, not just because he was a terrible football coach, but because they coincided with Mom's diagnosis and the terrible years that followed. When Snyder came back to us, it was like he did it just for me, just for our family. Surely, on his birthday, with Bishop back in the house, he'll win the game. Just for me. Just for our family. Right?

Kick-off 6:30 on ESPN. I can't wait to see Bo Pelini get mad.

2-0

2010-09-12T19:10:00.011-05:00

Rant: I asked several K-State football "fans" this week if they were going to the game this weekend. Their response? A sarcastic, "No. I'm not going to this game." I'm sorry. Do you not enjoy watching your team win? Were you not looking forward to seeing if Carson Coffman could throw the ball, and how our new receiving corp would do? Do you pay for season tickets just to say you do? Is it too much work to spend 4 hours outside on a beautiful Fall evening? You must have better things to do on a Saturday night in Manhattan, KS.

Short story, long - some K-State football fans need a bit of a reality check. Beating UCLA doesn't guarantee more victories later in the season. It doesn't guarantee a ranking, or a bowl game, or a conference champion or any future success. Part of the home field advantage is fan support. Loud, vocal, excited, energetic, in person support. For a home game that isn't televised, there's absolutely no excuse for not wanting to be there.

Luckily, 48,000 real fans agreed with me and were on hand to witness and cheer on our team to a 48-24 victory over Missouri State. Even better fans were treated to a fireworks show at the end of the game. K-State knows how to keep you in your seat.

Stop punking out, Manhattan. You're on notice.

***End rant***

Because Steven is a legitimate member of the community, he got us in on the Young Professionals tailgate special for this game. We got t-shirts, gift cards and free food in Cat Town, plus, the always awkward "networking opportunities." But it was fun to wear matching shirts to the game, even though they weren't purple.

I've been in awe of Coach Snyder since I was in the 4th grade, but this weekend I experienced something new to appreciate. As the team was stretching and warming up, Coach came by and said good luck to each of his players individually, and gave them a pat on the shoulder. It's such a small gesture, but to me it just exudes class and respect. I'm glad I got the chance to witness that.

After the game, fans were encouraged to stay in their seats to enjoy the fireworks show. Steven and I were worried about seeing them, since they were scheduled to go off right behind us. John Currie, however, thinks of everything and let everyone with end zone tickets sit on the field. I'm officially sold. I plan to have season tickets for the rest of my life, and I'm sitting in the end zone every single year. You're in the front, you're in the action, you're on the field. Though I did start to plan my escape route to the field when we inevitably upset Nebraska on October 7th. I think I'll have to climb over the fence in front of me and hop over... might not be graceful, but I think if Steven helps...

I tried to take pictures and/or video of the fireworks but there was too much going on. I will say that they were awesome, and timed to the fight song, the wabash and one of those patriotic country songs for 9/11. Truly a great way to end a great day in football.

Steven was pretty excited to take a picture in the cat's mouth. Too many people were around for him to fully commit to the possibilities, though.

This is the end zone I protect. I scream, I yell, I stand up so that young and old behind me cannot see. This is my end zone and I will do my part. Also notice my spiffy new gameday bag. Too expensive but completely worth it.

Happy 'Cats.

I can't stop watching this video. So adorably weird.

2010-09-10T21:27:00.000-05:00

My abs are sore from Wabashing

2010-09-06T11:57:00.007-05:00

Before:

Susan: How early do you want to get to the game?
Steven: I don't know, 30 minutes?
Long pause....
Susan: How early would be way too early to get to the game?
Steven: 5 hours?

Actual arrival time: 1:00p.m. Careful negotiation is the key to our relationship.

These were our seats. Getting there an hour and a half early has its advantages, but unfortunately I got greedy and tried to sit too low, and too in the middle. Those goal posts certainly don't wiggle when you're trying to see the snap. Another hazard of getting there too early and sitting behind the goal posts is kicking practice. We can personally vouch for the health of Kai Forbath. Every single kick made it through the uprights, though some were nearer to the third row than we appreciated. Also, they don't let you keep the ball if you catch it. Kind of crappy, if you ask me. Note for next game: choose a side.

You all know #8, and he was a BEAST up close. I can't believe how much he's grown in the offseason. But my favorite offensive player this year, because he's small and mighty and forgotten is #20, William Powell. Averaged 12 yards a carry versus UCLA and confused the heck out of the defense. It's good to have a pair, and I think this partnership will just keep getting better.

You'll be happy to know that Steven and I helped thwart the game-tying 2 point conversion, as they were threatening to score in our endzone. You're welcome. We'll be happy to offer our services again next weekend, though I think we learned another important lesson about afternoon games and sunscreen.

That's right. I've been branded by the sun.

Congratulations, Cats on an impressive opening victory. Now to face Terry Allen (everyone's favorite KU coach) and Missouri State. I'd like to see a blow-out, but I'll settle for a few more passing yards and a couple of sacks. Kick-off 6:10p.m. GO STATE!

The future?

2010-08-25T23:00:00.003-05:00

A couple of weeks ago, this announcement popped up on one of my library listservs and I just about fell out of my chair.

The University of Mississippi Libraries seeks an Instruction/Reference Librarian to deliver user-centered instruction and reference services to the university community.

The successful candidate will:

- Participate in a general library instruction program supporting composition and freshman seminar courses and provide instruction in the assigned subject area

- Provide instruction support through web content and development of online tutorials

- Provide liaison and collection development for the School of Engineering and/or other departments as assigned

- Provide in-person and virtual reference services

- Participate in creative problem solving, take personal initiative, and work collaboratively with colleagues in the library and the university community.

Qualifications: ALA accredited master's degree by date of employment; excellent organizational, interpersonal, and communication skills.

The University of Mississippi is located in historic Oxford, a thriving community offering a wide range of literary, musical and cultural activities. For more information about the University and the community, please visit http://www.olemiss.edu/community/index.html.

I was all set to apply and break my lease and figure out how to get Big 12 football in Mississippi when I read the fine print: "ALA accredited master's degree by date of employment." So I wept. My perfect job actually exists, but I am ineligible for it because it is taking me 3 stinkin' years to finish 42 credit hours. Hopefully whoever gets the job will have some other pie in the sky fantasy job that will open in a year, leaving the position open again, mine for the taking. If nothing else, it has helped me get back in gear for my final year of graduate school.

This semester I am taking 2 classes, which is a total party after last year's 3 class per semester disaster decision. Additionally, one of the classes is in web development, which means it's less theory, more action, AND - it's an 8 week accelerated course entirely online. Heaven, thy name is electives. This is the first week of the course and I'm sort of hating the accelerated factor because this has also been the busiest week in my entire employment history. I'm used to terrible Augusts from working at the ELP with all the incoming international students, but that is nothing compared to the mental exhaustion of 8 appointments a day, athletic transcripts, summer graduation and departmental DARS audits. Add in to the mix the news that my beloved Mollie friend is leaving me for a job more suited to her kickass skills in new student services and this week has been a whole big sack of awful. At least I found some Fit Flop sandals at Penney's today for 50% off. And Steven took me to get a frosty. So there is a reason to get up in the morning.

***

Speaking of reasons to get up in the morning...

I wish you were real, so you could inherit Snyder's throne.

The Emmy's are on Sunday. Since Schindler's List won every award at the Oscars and they played that damn song over and over again, I have been sucked into the pageantry of awards shows. The Oscars and I, however, have not aged well. As I become more selective with my free time I find myself drawn to TV over movies, and TV actors over movie stars. This has grown into a full blown obsession this year, because I have latched on to the critically adored, universally ignored, Friday Night Lights.

Oh Tim Riggins. Who knew you would be the comedic heart of the show?

I could go on about the wonders of FNL, and I will. In fact, I might start a whole new blog committed to dissecting the characters, the acting choices, the dialogue, the Tim Riggins of it all. But all I'll say today, is that even though I loved Matthew Fox in the LOST finale, and I'm sure Breaking Bad is as good as everyone says, they better all take a seat to Coach Taylor. And ok, fine, it's great to see Nurse Carol back on primetime in a show with Big. I give you that. But is she as great as the inimitable Tami Taylor standing up to that snarky chump Joe McCoy? No. She's not. No one is. And no one has been, for the past 4 years. They finally got their nominations, and their fans made it through the emotional exhaustion of season 4 and we all deserve it.

Well, okay, Zach Gilford really deserves it the most but he wasn't even nominated. Seriously.

John Lithgow's got nothing on you, 7.

If you're like Betsy, and won't subject your eyes to conflict, you can also root for Amy Poehler, the delightfully upbeat and dedicated deputy on Parks and Recreation. You can mourn the snub of Aubrey Plaza by cheering for the many. many nominees from Modern Family and take heart that everyone's favorite geek, Sheldon, doesn't have to share the spotlight with Jon Cryer. But mostly, I would suggest watching, just for the clips. You might see something nominated that you've never heard of, or always wondered about, or never got around to watching. One of the greatest things that Instant Netflix, DVR, Hulu, Cox on Demand and syndication have brought us is instant and commercial free access to entire seasons of television. Indulge yourself. I dare you.

17 days

2010-08-17T21:36:00.003-05:00

Guess who got her tickets today?

Just 17 more days until it's fill the Bill time. Are you ready? Here's a video for you, in case you're having trouble getting AMPED.

Sweet Jesus, I miss Michael Bishop. And I had forgotten all about Newman's crazy/insane/amazing return to win the USC game. Unbelievable.

Clear eyes, Full hearts, Can't lose

2010-07-13T12:50:00.004-05:00

I discovered the secret to surviving the next 53 days.

Seasons 1-4 available instantly on Netflix.

Belated beyond belief - New house post

2010-07-11T21:07:00.025-05:00

Steven and I have lenient landlords when it comes to decorating which means that we spent Memorial Day weekend repainting the walls. It started a dirty sad white, and ended up beautiful, bright and completely ours. We're blessed, and I try to remember that every time Larry ignores our repeated messages about the broken front window.

Dirty sad living room:

Happy gray living room:

Plain, boring white wall:

New, fancy purple wall:

Your average kitchen:

New and improved SUSAN kitchen:

Sad laundry area:

New and improved (though I still need to do something about that light fixture):

The main reason we decided on the house was all the built in storage, and this fabulous bookshelf/wall:

Which leaves all our bookshelves free for decorating:

The bedrooms and study were painted right before we moved in, but I'm still hoping to get curtains made for each of the rooms by the end of the year. I've been fabric shopping for weeks, but I can't commit to buying anything. It's much too stressful. Any color/style suggestions?

This is currently my coffee table. Though I appreciate the ability to move parts of it around as needed, it cannot last forever. Plus, the corners are sharp.

My last project of the summer is the bathroom. It requires wallpaper stripping, priming, and choosing a blue. Basically, it's impossible, because nothing matches my authentically vintage, perfectly hand-me-down, so ugly it's chic shower curtain. It will me stay with me always. Thanks, Momma.

So there you have it. No mice, quiet neighbors, close to work and colored walls. Everything I sort of knew I wanted.

Here we come

2010-07-10T11:30:00.002-05:00

I have no reason to believe that the 2010 season will be miraculous. There's no indication that we will even improve on last year's 6-6 record. But thanks to the Where I Come From series, the Big 12 shuffle and Bill Snyder back on the sidelines, something just feels magical. Maybe it's just about having season tickets again. Or knowing that I'm back in a place where I have enough money and time to completely surrender to college football season. To get immersed in the drama and the players and the emotion and the silliness. Maybe it's because the basketball team has made us all better K-State fans again. All I know is that I have been focused on September 4th since November 21st. 56 days to go. Are you ready?

10 is the new 12

2010-06-15T12:42:00.002-05:00

Reasons I love our new conference:

1. 9 conference football games every year.
2. 18 game round robin in basketball every year.
3. No more Nebraska game.
4. No more Nebraska fans.
5. No more Colorado game.
6. No more Colorado fans.
7. The end of North vs. South silliness.
8. No more arguments about easy schedules. If K-State goes undefeated, people will be forced to take notice.
9. Extra heated rivalries this year - Nebraska v. Texas, Colorado v. Texas, Missouri v. Nebraska.
10. Overall conference strength in basketball. Two games vs. Baylor. Two games vs. Texas. Two games vs. A&M.

See you later, Nebraska and Colorado. Though it will be weird without you, I look forward to having a new reason to watch Big 10 (12) and Pac 10 (11) games.

Now A&M seals our fate?

2010-06-14T10:59:00.003-05:00

Texas expected to commit to Big 12 with hope of saving conference

The rumors of the death of the Big 12 may have been greatly exaggerated. Texas will commit to staying in the conference, according to Orangebloods.com.

School officials could announce their decision as early as Monday. The other nine teams remaining after the departure of Colorado and Nebraska could also stay to create a 10-team league.

The smaller league actually could be an incentive to stay. In a story by the Kansas City Star, the revenue from a new television contract being touted by commissioner Dan Beebe could produce "significantly more" than $17 million for each of the 10 remaining Big 12 schools.

In a concession to Texas, schools get an unequal distribution of television revenue and have the opportunity to develop its own network.

The lone question is whether Texas A&M will choose to keep its affiliation with the Big 12 or opt to join the SEC. That would be the final piece to saving the Big 12.

Should the Aggies leave the conference, then it is likely Texas, Oklahoma, Texas Tech and Oklahoma State would join the Pac-10.

"As (athletic director) Bill Byrne and I have said on several occasions, our desire was for the Big 12 Conference to continue," Texas A&M R. Bowen Loftin said in a statement Sunday evening. "With the departure of two universities from the conference last week, the Big 12 is certainly not what it was.
"We are aggressively exploring our options, one of which is for the Big 12 to continue in some form. We have also had extensive discussions with other conferences over the past two days. We continue to evaluate our options in a deliberate manner as we work toward a decision that is in the best long-term interests of Texas A&M."

Lilith Fair

2010-04-26T20:13:00.000-05:00

Last week I fulfilled a lifelong dream. I bought tickets to Lilith Fair. In July, Steven and I will skip off to Kansas City for an afternoon of female pop fest before heading to Mexico for Hailey's wedding. This summer just keeps getting better.

In honor of my momentous accomplishment, I am sharing one of my favorite new singers (and Lilith performer), Meaghan Smith. I first fell in love with her cover of the Pixies' hit "Here Comes Your Man" on the 500 Days of Summer soundtrack. Turns out she makes weird music videos, and has two albums worth of catchy old as new pop. Check it out.

Idoloonie

2010-02-25T19:54:00.004-06:00

It's hard to imagine loving any American Idol contestant more than I love Kris Allen.

And now he has a new cover of "Let it Be" on iTunes. Buy it in the next 24 hours and the proceeds go to Haiti. My new goal is to convince the music world that he should do an entire album of Beatles covers. His version of "Come Together" is one of my favorite songs. Join me in my quest, and watch this season of American Idol on mute. Blech.

New homes

2010-02-22T23:03:00.004-06:00

Eisenhower hall is my new work home. (Betsy, call me if you get lost. You don't have to follow the kids with long hair.) Slowly but surely, I am working my way through campus to the holy grail of Hale Library. I have now worked in Fairchild, Anderson and Eisenhower. Just one more building between me and sweet freedom. Here's to hoping I can skip over Holton.

So... long story short - the job I applied for back in November called me two weeks ago and offered me the position. Apparently the lady that they hired has to move back to Oklahoma so they came calling. Opportunity never knocks when it's supposed to. So far my career keeps twisting and turning in the strangest ways. I'm 75% done with a masters in Library Science and still wondering if I should have gone the College Student Personnel route. Though I seem to be getting work without it, so who knows. It is clearly taking on a life of it's own.

This is my last week at the ELP. It's so bittersweet. I've left jobs before, but this was my first big kid, full-time, benefits and responsibility position. Because of everything that was going on when I was hired and when I started, I feel like my ELP family really brought me back to life. Sweet, crazy, baffling ELP. I will miss you even more as the memory fades of all the ridiculous and tedious things that I did everyday. Hindsight is beautiful.

***

Since all this change is coming, I decided it was finally time to figure out my living situation. Steven and I have been looking and falling in and out of love with houses for a month, and then Friday afternoon it all came together. It's a little red house with a yard, garage, washer/dryer, dishwasher, big living room, study and wood floors. Perfection. We're even within walking distance to campus and Dara's. All that walking will be negated by a huge spike in slushie consumption. It can't be helped. Our landlord is a real estate agent, and I'm hoping that if we continue to love the house we can buy it in a year. Of course, that sounds an awful lot like a life plan, and we all know how well that works these days. But I'll keep optimistically moving forward. The only downside is that we move in April 1st, which means that for the second Easter in a row I'll be in Manhattan instead of Garden City. There's always a catch.

Next morning perspective

2010-02-03T09:38:00.001-06:00

My love for the Carriage House has faded.

Which leaves my heart open for this adorable bungalow. Redirect your vibes, please.

House hunting

2010-02-01T15:00:00.000-06:00

I'm in love with this house.

The odds are stacked against us, but it feels meant to be. Send out good vibes if you agree.

Football and family: Glass, Modern, and Mormon

2010-01-29T11:57:00.010-06:00

I know I know. It's still basketball season, and Frank Martin is awesome, and we have the big ESPN Gameday tomorrow against KU and everyone is excited. Including me. But football owns my heart. My soul. My toenails. Everything. So it was monumental that an email from John Currie appeared in my inbox this morning, talking about the new and improved 2010 football schedule.

Here it is, in all its glory:

September 4 UCLA
September 11 Missouri State
September 18 Iowa State (Arrowhead Stadium)
September 25 Central Florida
October 2 BYE
October 7 Nebraska (ESPN)
October 16 at Kansas
October 23 at Baylor
October 30 Oklahoma State
November 6 Texas
November 13 at Missouri
November 20 at Colorado
November 27 at North Texas

I'm pretty pumped. Not only do we get a rematch in Kansas City vs. Iowa State, but we have a big Thursday ESPN showdown with Nebraska. And it's at home! What a great week that will be. It is particularly helpful because cousin Ben is getting married on the 9th, and I would have had to sulkily attend while pining for a day of pajamas, hot wings and Lee Corso. Now I can attend both happily. God is good.

***

“What I was really hanging around for, I was trying to feel some kind of a good-by. I mean I've left schools and places I didn't even know I was leaving them. I hate that. I don't care if it's a sad good-by, or a bad good-by, but when I leave a place I like to know I'm leaving it. If you don't, you feel even worse.” - Salinger; January 1, 1919 - January 27, 2010

JD Salinger died this week. I, like the rest of the world, am impatiently waiting to see if a treasure trove of work exists in that mysterious house in New Hampshire, but I'm anxious about it. Is it disrespectful to want to see it? Is it greedy of me to want more? I've always been mystified by his work, particularly the Glass family. Franny and Zooey eluded and annoyed me. Nine Stories made me hurt more than anything I've ever read/seen/heard. This, plus the restructuring of Miramax makes me feel as if the world has outgrown my interests. Melodramatic? Most definitely. Though the New York Times provides some hope for a change.

***

Family Programming

You should all be watching Modern Family. Eric Stonestreet (Cameron) is a K-State alum and was absolutely adorable in his Ellen interview. Ed O'Neill is hilarious and crotchety and so real to me. Ty Burrell is ridiculous. And I am so so happy that Sofia Vergara does interviews. I haven't met anyone who doesn't love it, so I defy you to find fault.

My other favorite "modern" TV family are the Henricksons. Steven and I just finished season 3 of Big Love and boy howdy, do they know how to spin a web of conflict. It is a serious inspiration to all those novel writers in search of plot. Big Love is masterful at creating roadblocks.

***

My Best Friend's Wedding

I'm going to Omaha this weekend to be a good maid of honor. Hailey and I are pre-wedding dress shopping for the destination wedding of a lifetime. (Hers, not mine). I'm posting this now because I am trying to make an effort to take more pictures and post them on this blog. I know how you all have been waiting patiently for more examples of my photographic prowess, not to mention creative and witty anecdotes about life in steak city. This will be my first trip to Omaha with no class obligations and I am looking forward to kicking back with a good conscience. If I do not follow through with the pictures and post of our adventures, please send me a mean comment. Just not too mean. I bruise easily.

Deep Clean

2010-01-18T15:34:00.005-06:00

I took advantage of my three day weekend (thanks MLK Jr.!) by getting the apartment clean clean clean before the Spring semester starts. I got all the Christmas presents put away, took down the tree, and got all of my important files organized instead of sitting in stacks on the floor. I'm hoping that this extra effort now will help with the inevitable stress that comes later when assignment deadlines start piling up. Currently I have all of my old music slowly moving it's way to my brand new 1TB external hard drive, and Keith Urban is entertaining all on today's episode of Ellen. A perfect afternoon.

However, there was one casualty one of the deep clean. In the past month, the DVD player has declared war on all of the silly TV on DVD marathons that I force it to supply for us. First it started screaming in this high pitched technical shriek. Then it refused to communicate with the TV screen. And then, as it's last stand - it refused to open. This would've been fine, as it was a $25 machine that was purchased when I was 19, but it refused to open with the second disc of Gilmore Girls season 3 held inside. Not cool. Not cool at all. Some of you know that I have the entire Gilmore Girls series on DVD, except for the last disc of season 5. Season 5 was the first season I received as a Christmas gift, and due to packaging error (or another person's faulty DVD player) the last disc never made it to the store. So I was not about to lose another disc if I could help it.

This is what Steven spent the second half of the K-State game doing.

You can see that the Gilmore Girls were rescued, and placed securely back in their package. I've had quite a lengthy discussion with our new Memorex about the importance of Lorelai and Rory in our home, and I think we're on the same page. We christened the new machine this weekend with a showing of 500 Days of Summer. Such a cute movie. Oh, and Betsy - there's choreographed singing and dancing. Check it out. Does anyone else think Joseph Gordon-Leavitt looks a little like Heath Ledger? (Or even, maybe, a teensy bit like Steven?) And the hipster outfits were perfection.

In other sad casualty news, two more businesses closed in Manhattan. Doe's Eat Place, the giant steakhouse right by our apartment will serve giant expensive beef no more. And the Candlewood location of Digital Shelf is gone after 5 years. If the other Digital Shelf closes I don't know what we'll do. Probably finally take advantage of our Netlix account. Which, by the way, is anyone else stoked about being able to stream your Netflix movies through the Wii? I have been whining for months about the lack of features on the Wii, and now this. It's perfect. We're watching Tootsie every night. But the Digital Shelf holds so many memories from the beginning of my relationship with Steven. During the semester that I was living back home in Garden, I took a trip to Manhattan and surprised Steven at work in Candlewood. We ordered chinese food and watched Joe vs. the Volcano and bantered with customers and had a great night. Whenever we wanted to rent cartoons or multiple seasons of ER, or embarrassing chick flicks, we would always go to the Candlewood location so that Steven's friends wouldn't mock him. Now, all our rental decisions will be subject to judgment. And if the Aggieville location doesn't have it, that means no one will. Stupid redbox, taking over the world.

How I Met Your Mother - Suits the Musical

2010-01-12T12:52:00.001-06:00

2009

2009-12-31T15:20:00.002-06:00

My favorite movies this year (in no particular order):

1. Inglourious Basterds
2. Up!
3. Julie & Julia
4. Away We Go
5. Funny People
6. The Informant!
7. Adventureland
8. Public Enemies
9. The Blind Side
10. The Proposal
11. He's Just Not That Into You

Favorite pastimes:

1. College football
2. Wii
3. Mahjong
4. ER
5. EW.com
6. How I Met Your Mother
7. Tennis
8. Monk marathons
9. Nebraska antique shopping
10. Searching for library jobs

Signs that I'm an old lady:

1. See list of pastimes
2. Use of the word pastime
3. Cardigan collection
4. 9:30 Friday night bedtime
5. Vacuum for Christmas

At the end/beginning of the last decade, I was in the St. Dominic's gym, dancing with Eric Pratt at the elite KH/AH dance party. I watched whatshisname be the first million dollar winner on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire right before I left for the dance. "I just wanted to call and let you know that I'm about to win a million dollars." So cheeky. I came home from the dance and vowed to do something, and ten years later I have no memory of what or how or if I accomplished it. However, here are some things that I accomplished in the past 10 years:

1. Graduated from High School
2. Graduated from K-State
3. Made it halfway through Graduate School
4. Qualified for Nationals in 2 events
5. Got a full-time job WITH benefits
6. Survived a semester of substitute teaching
7. Attended a Berkshire Hathaway annual meeting
8. Got a short story published (in a course manual, but still)
9. Traveled to New York City, Salt Lake City, Houston, Austin, Corpus Christie, Madison, Memphis, Nashville and Oxford.
10. Turned 21 and then some
11. Recorded a CD (with a group)
12. Bought a truck
13. Lived with 3, 2, 1 and 0 roommates
14. Learned to cook... a little bit
15. Escaped my teens without a tattoo, criminal record, baby or permanent body piercing (you can hardly tell my nose was pierced).

So tonight, as I ring in the next decade with a wild round of Bananagrams, I leave these and other things behind, hoping for a surprising new decade. A decade that brings the end to OU's football dominance, and the resurgence of the Snyder dynasty. A decade where the literary world is set on fire by Steven Miller and Susan Alsop. Or maybe just new Lorrie, Miranda, Antonya and Dan. A decade of wispy female folk music and indie picaresque films full of cutesy dialogue and thrift store wardrobes. The summer of George? The decade of Susan. Bring it on.

Lucy Wainwright Roche

2009-12-19T18:20:00.001-06:00

Is anyone else out there listening to Lucy? I love her a little more each day.

New link - maybe it will work longer

2009-12-17T22:35:00.003-06:00

*If this video disappears too, go to youtube and search for ukulele kid.*

Have you hugged your library today?

2009-12-09T13:23:00.006-06:00

My family laughed at me this year when I mentioned that I was thankful for libraries because they do such good work.

But it's no joke. They really do! Here's an example:

At University of Nebraska-Omaha, the reference department was looking for a new answer to the Interlibrary loan problem. Students wanted materials faster, and couldn't wait the 48 hours to receive an article via email because their paper was due in 10. The library purchased Kindle's so that students could purchase the article and walk away with the technology right then and there. Unfortunately, Amazon's collection of peer-reviewed journal articles is not quite as extensive as their popular fiction, so the service flopped.

Rather than giving up entirely, the reference staff came up with a new idea. Academic libraries do not historically build popular fiction into their collection development each year, even though students from all subject areas ask for it. Rather than trying to build a collection from scratch, they used the Kindle's. This eliminated the space issues, and made sure the technology investment was put to good use. Before budgets became tight, UNO students could request a new book, and the library would purchase it for them on the Kindle and then rent out the machine for 2 weeks (with an option of one renew). Now that budgets are smaller, students can still rent the Kindle and purchase what they want, with the understanding that the library will delete the purchase when it is turned back in. Not only can students get the books they want at a fraction of the cost, but they also get to test drive the Kindle to see if they like it. The way I see it - Amazon owes UNO quite a bit of money. I'm sure if UNO wanted to expand their collection, they could even get Amazon to donate the product.

The next time you're at the library, thank a librarian for all that they do. Then ask them to give me a job. We're all in this together.

Travesty

2009-11-30T20:54:00.003-06:00

Allie's album has been out since March and I just found out today. Worst fan ever. I checked on Amazon and they are out of stock! Way to go Allie! Or not? I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing.

What is good is that I found out about the album through my BFF Jo who discovered the world's best music blog.

Share the joy.

Sigh again

2009-11-30T14:17:00.000-06:00

No new fancy job for me.

Sigh

2009-11-23T20:19:00.001-06:00

9 more months until next football season.

Good Things

2009-11-18T23:41:00.005-06:00

1. I had a job interview yesterday. It was a 3.5 hour interview - which Dad says is good. It would be hard to leave the ELP, and even harder to move in to the Arts & Sciences Deans office, but I think I'm ready for the challenge. Think happy thoughts for me.

2. Kris Allen's album came out on Tuesday. You know you want to buy it. It's okay. You don't have to tell anyone. Naturally, I bought the all-access iTunes pass back in May, so I got it delivered to my inbox. See how good life is when you indulge your guilty pleasures?

3. This is my first free weekend since August. There is homework that I could do, but instead - I'm taking two days off. I'm going to make chex mix, eat brunch with Steven, watch a ton of football, get caught up on my DVR, and hopefully put a big dent in the Christmas shopping. It's been a long time coming.

4. Nintendo just released Super Mario Brothers for the Wii. People in my life who need Christmas present ideas for me: take note.

5. Project Runway finale. Carol Hannah? Yes please.

6. Steven and I joined a gym today. I'm super excited about it, but Steven is wary. I feel a little wary, just because it didn't work out for Ross and Chandler, or the folks at How I Met Your Mother. Surely we can rise above those fictional heroes? At any rate, Heather Reed and her husband own it, so I feel comfortable supporting those who have supported me.

7. Steven and I resurrected Stimulus Tuesday yesterday to see "The Men Who Stare At Goats." We saw it, so you don't have to. Just giggle a little bit at something in your day and we'll be even. Unless you're still obsessed with seeing Clooney on the big screen.

8. I'm thinking about a new idea for blogging. I thought that I could set myself a ridiculous research project, find the answers, and then post them in some sort of stylized format. Then, as I prove my awesomeness at librarianing, you all could throw out suggestions for projects. Here's an example:

I will gather the most comprehensive collection of over the top ER promos and combine them into one SUPER CAN'T MISS THIS EPISODE. Etc.

9. Iggy is officially fully insured and under my name. Phew. Have I mentioned that growing up is a bummer? Bo-ring.

10. K-State v. Nebraska. For all the marbles. And a chance for two post-season games. Snyder (front and center) vs. Osborne (lurking, ever lurking). If only we could bring back Simoneau...

It'll be a doozy kids. 6:45 on ESPN. Bring the faith. (The music is so dramatic! Loves.)

PS - Have you been voting? You should. Click Click!

What I did this weekend

2009-11-10T22:15:00.002-06:00

New Regina for your ears. I've now heard her live 3 times, and she just keeps getting more adorable. If only she could get a decent opener...

Complex Mathematics

2009-11-06T08:53:00.002-06:00

1. If I leave Manhattan at 9:00a.m. and drive west at a rate of 70 miles per hour toward Denver, what radio coverage area will I be in at kick-off?

2. How long will I stay in kick-off coverage area before I switch stations?

3. What is the farthest possible distance that I can get from Manhattan while still being able to listen to the Sunflower showdown?

4. How long can I sit on the side of the road at that location?

Extra Credit: K-State's margin of victory.

News from Sus!

2009-10-08T18:12:00.003-05:00

I've been avoiding you, dear blog of mine. But today I am back to inform you that...

I have my very first library job!

It pays no money.

It's 3 hours a week.

It's the love of my life. (Or so I hope)

Starting on Tuesday, I will be working the reference/circulation desk at Hale Library from 7 to 10pm.

I have high hopes for this volunteer position. So high in fact, that it is replacing Stimulus Tuesday. Instead of dollar popcorn, I will be getting a free education on the basics of the reference interview, circulation, database queries and so much more.

I refuse to let robots control the reference desk. Instead, unpaid volunteers will devote all of their spare time toward helping you find the research you need.

It feels great to finally have a foot in the door.

****************************************

If my first library job isn't enough to turn that frown upside down, here's a list of other happy things in the world this week:

1. This guy thinks the 'Cats will be victorious this weekend, and my aching heart is happy to agree.
2. Jim and Pam are getting married tonight. If you're not loving this season, you're not paying attention.
3.Big 12 North showdown on Thursday night? God bless America.
4. Toy Story and Toy Story 2 double feature in 3D. Sneak in snacks, wear your pajamas, bring a blanket and laugh til you're silly.

Weekly Poll

2009-09-30T15:04:00.003-05:00

Who remembers this show? For me, this show, early morning mass and chocolate chocolate chocolate donuts are inextricably linked.

Happy Autumnal Equinox!

2009-09-22T11:55:00.002-05:00

Sweater Weather: A Love Song to Language
By: Sharon Bryan

Never better, mad as a hatter,
right as rain, might and main,
hanky panky, hot toddy,

hoity-toity, cold shoulder,
bowled over, rolling in clover,
low blow, no soap, hope

against hope, pay the piper,
liar liar pants on fire,
high and dry, shoo-fly pie,

fiddle-faddle, fit as a fiddle,
sultan of swat, muskrat
ramble, fat and sassy,

flimflam, happy as a clam,
cat's pajamas, bee's knees,
peas in a pod, pleased as punch,

pretty as a picture, nothing much,
lift the latch, double Dutch,
helter-skelter, hurdy-gurdy,

early bird, feathered friend,
dumb cluck, buck-up,
shilly-shally, willy-nilly,

roly-poly, holy moly,
loose lips sink ships,
spitting image, nip in the air,

hale and hearty, part and parcel,
upsy-dasiy, lazy days,
maybe baby, up to snuff,

flibbertigibbbet, honky-tonk,
spic and span, handyman,
cool as a cucumber, blue moon,

high as a kite, night and noon,
love me or leave, seventh heaven,
up and about, over and out.

It's been awhile since I've had an Idol post...

2009-09-10T12:47:00.002-05:00

Ellen says she doesn’t judge, she opinionates

‘This is going to be a whole lot of fun,’ newest ‘Idol’ member tells Seacrest

Access Hollywood

updated 12:02 p.m. CT, Thurs., Sept . 10, 2009

LOS ANGELES - Is Ellen DeGeneres ready to judge “American Idol?” The reality competition’s new permanent fourth judge told her new colleague, host Ryan Seacrest, on his radio show on Thursday morning that she’s going to “opinionate.”

“It’s ironic, isn’t it?” DeGeneres said, noting that she’d undergone plenty of judgment over the years regarding her sexuality. “I really do pride myself on not judging. We had ‘The Real Housewives of Atlanta’ on the other day, so I do judge. But I try to remind myself that everyone is who they are for a reason. It’s gonna be a fine line – I’ll be honest, I don’t like to judge people. I like to opinionate in a necessary way.”

Still, DeGeneres said she’s already preparing to join the judges’ table.

“I’m getting fitted for robes. Judge Judy and I are going to hang out, so I’m getting ready,” she joked. “I haven’t even talked to Randy or Kara or Simon, but this is going to be a whole lot of fun.”

Asked by Seacrest how she’ll keep up with her daytime program, “The Ellen DeGeneres Show,” she said she’ll be trying to keep up with the busy radio host.

“Yesterday I took a bagging job at Whole Foods,” she joked to Seacrest. “I’m trying to keep up with you. I’m not worried about that. What you have to do is a lot harder than me sitting there and listening — I do that at home anyway.”

And “Idol,” she said, will play a big part in her show from now on.

“I’ll get to talk about it on my show every day — it’s going to be great,” DeGeneres said. “This is our seventh season and I think it’ll add a whole lot of content to my show and I hope I’ll bring something [to ‘Idol’] that is fresh.”

“American Idol” Season 9 premieres in January 2010.

I think there's butter in my eye

2009-08-25T22:14:00.010-05:00

Inglorious Basterds

Masterful storytelling. Captivating, strange and surprising. Brilliant use of the medium. Perfect performances (with maybe the exception of Diane Kruger - though I've been jaded since Troy). In short - bloody, brilliant, Tarantino fun. Go see it. Leave the kids at home, and maybe take off your glasses occasionally. You'll see it coming.

Everybody

Ingrid Michaelson's new album came out today! Go buy it, because she's releasing it on her own label. Or on her own, I'm not exactly sure how it works. If you buy it through iTunes it's only $7.99, but Target has it too - just not in the new releases. I hate that. Anyway, it's great, and if you're a fan, you'll enjoy having the unreleased stuff she does live, finally captured in CD form.

Work

Enrollment is hateful. Good news came just when needed however - the English Language Program is officially accredited for the next four years. Huzzah for job security! Steven and I celebrated by eating popcorn and candy for dinner. I love shirking dietary responsibilities. Also, Steven got a silly haircut at a place conveniently located next to the new thrift store in town - New 2 You. I found a kickin' recliner, but it was already sold. The place looks like your garage, packed to the brim and completely unorganized. But full of furniture, so if you're looking for a deal, the quality is much higher than Grand Ol Trunk. Give it a gander and support the locals. The store is also part of Steven's district, so let them know that you saw their ad in the Mercury - and then love me in your heart for the little white lie.

Cable

Steven and I have cable now. It's football season, and we both get real paychecks, so I justified the splurge. Cable + DVR is almost too much excitement. I seriously wake up every morning and run out to check and see what the DVR recorded that night. Every day is Christmas. I just realized yesterday that we also get cable on the TV in the bedroom. Duh. Though it does not have the super fantastic DVR capabilities, it does mean that I can watch football and Sportscenter in bed. Could there be anything better? It's hard enough to not call in sick to work when I know what's waiting, but adding a treat like this makes it nearly irresistible. If I ignore your calls, you know what I'm doing. I apologize in advance. (I seem to be doing that a lot lately.) The sickness will end in January. I promise.

Also, keep Michael Beasley in your thoughts. Everybody stumbles.

Advice

I have to read Brothers of Karamazov next. Have to is a bit harsh. But true. It's my next Russian, and I read the Guernsey Literary Society as my fun book and now it's down to business. Only problem is, Dad and Matthew keep scaring the crap out of me about it. What happens when I get to the party scene? How will I continue? Encouragement needed. Please.

It has come to my attention that there are certain places outside of work where sweat pants are unacceptable. Cruel world. That means I need to buy pants. That fit. I tried at Target tonight but they are all hideous and way too long. Any suggestions, curvy girls? Who makes pants that fit girls with hips without the dreaded muffin top facebook ad disaster? Am I too young for polyester pants? I think I know the answer to that. Related note - Golden Girls seasons are on sale for 8 bucks a pop at your local Target. If you're a fan, you could repay my kindness by buying me seasons 4 - 9 of ER. Guilty pleasures all around.

I thought I'd bookend today's post with pictures of pretty things. Happy Tuesday to all.

No guilt here. Just pleasure.

An observation from my living room

2009-08-21T14:29:00.002-05:00

Question:

Last weekend, a man in my building spent his entire Saturday re-painting his car with black shoe polish. It went from a faded silver blue Crown Victoria to a rusty black Crown Victoria.

Why?

What compels someone to do this? An artistic flare? A dearth of craft projects? Small town boredom? Or maybe it's something deadly. Covering up a hit and run. Hiding from Monk and his super observational powers. Maybe black shoe polish is the only thing that removes blood from steel.

Theories wanted.

A post from your host

2009-08-17T19:43:00.005-05:00

A Book to Love

My co-worker Ketty and I have started trading books. She's one of those great people who belongs to an old people book club, and volunteers to trim the historical society's rose garden. I just daydream about being that sort of person, and then base frivolous characters after them in short stories. But she's the real thing! Anyway, as a true testament to her character, the first book she loaned me was The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society. Apparently it's all the rage, but I had never heard of it. I started reading it last weekend at the Donut Whole in Wichita (PS - fantastic little 24 hour donut shop - a Kansas hipster's dream) and Betsy said that it was quite the popular read. It's all epistolary, but please - don't let that stop you. It's warm and quaint and funny and has a genuine emotion to it. It doesn't veer too far into sentiment, but offers realistic portraits of this idyllic world. Sort of a Stars Hollow set in the 1940's. I highly recommend it. And if anyone can recommend anything in the same vein, I would really appreciate it. Now that I've entered this book trading world, I'm not sure what to give out. I read such dark, strange collections of stories that I don't really have anything equal to the Guernsey folks. Help a poor snobby intellectual out.

Awkward Behavior

On Saturday, I watched my first live production of Hamlet. I know, right. 23 years old and I had never seen Hamlet performed. I read about it on The Hour Badly Spent (fantastic Manhattan blog) and was so grateful. I narrowly missed seeing Michael Wieser's last Manhattan production. As most people in my Fundamentals of Acting class know, I have an enormously creepy fascination with Mr. Wieser. He started at K-State when I did, and I think I've seen every single one of his productions. From Grease to Mamet, Stoppard to Closer, Chekhov, and now... Shakespeare. To watch him end his Manhattan career as Hamlet was truly a gift and I am oh so glad that I got to see it. It also featured my favorite up and comer - Mr. Kyle Myers (who I met at WWU, when I was a director - but I'm sure he doesn't remember.) The point of this story is that 1. I turn normal people into idols when I decide that they are talented and 2. I got to see Hamlet, finally, and I loved it. It was the perfect way to spend my last free weekend until December. Also, I ran into several of our ELP teachers at the production, and one of them told me that Hale Library owns an entire collection of BBC productions of all of Shakespeare's plays. So I don't have to wait until the next Michael Wieser decides to play Othello. I can watch it whenever I want. The magic of libraries surprises me again.

The end of freedom

This week marks the busiest week in ELP history, trying to welcome 14 new teachers, test and place 300 new students, and enroll over 500 in a day and a half. Immediately following, Steven and I will drive to Garden to see Brennen and friends at Tumbleweed (yay!) and then come back for the first week of classes. Then next weekend, I begin my first semester. As a full-time graduate student. Fortunately, being a full-time graduate student is not as expensive as I anticipated. Tuition is comparable to undergrad, and my books only cost me $30. Again, the magic of libraries played a major role. I am not looking forward to giving up my movie watching weekends, but I am looking forward to moving forward. The worst thing about the end of summer is the anxiety I feel about what challenges are about to reveal themselves. From August 1st until the day I get my syllabus, I have this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that impossible deadlines are going to start popping out of my planner. I get myself so worked up that I'll wake myself in the middle of a dream, convinced that I am procrastinating and shirking my time management schedule. Once the semester starts, there's at least some sort of schedule to make, but until then, it's all worry with no solution. I've discovered the only thing that works at all is baking chocolate chip cookies and reading books about far away literary societies. And, of course, a healthy dose of Friends on DVD. I am not sane. I will not recover quickly. Consider this my formal apology.

Movies are marvelous

As I near the edge of the semester, I feel duty bound to report to you just how many movies I have seen this summer. You should feel impressed, or perhaps envious of my accomplishment. If you don't, there is perhpas no reason for me to post it, and I have been thinking of nothing else since I ordered Netflix.

Movies I have seen for the very first time:

Casablanca, Taxi Driver, On the Waterfront, Breakfast at Tiffany's, Singin' in the Rain, The Maltese Falcon, Vertigo, Tootsie, Bye Bye Birdie, The Godfather, The Godfather Part 2, Raging Bull, It Happened One Night, To Kill A Mockingbird, The Manchurian Candidate, Cool Hand Luke, and Rebel Without a Cause.

From these I have learned some very interesting things.

1. I love Marlon Brando. I would watch him eat cereal. I would watch him decide which laundry detergent to buy. I think he's a genius and I wish that he made more movies. He is absolutely captivating.

(To think, I used to have pictures of Ben Affleck on my walls. For shame.)

2. With the exception of To Kill a Mockingbird, I don't like movies from the 60's. Do I not understand them? Are they too creepy? Or is it just that Janet Leigh is always playing two characters, and we're supposed to not notice? There's just something about it that I cannot connect to. Though I did fall in love with Paul Newman from the very first smile. 100 percent.

(That cool Luke smile. Natural born world shaker. Miss you, Paul.)

3. Sad but true, my favorite movie in this list is Tootsie. Ever since I watched a behind the scenes movie about Dustin Hoffman in a production of Death of a Salesman, he has remained my favorite actor. His work in Tootsie is a bit frantic, but still hysterical. And those scenes with Sidney Pollack! Eternal! Every time we started to watch a new movie from the list, a little part of me wanted to just watch Tootsie again. And, on Netflix, you can watch it any time you want - it's part of the online features.

(Best. Scene. In. Movie.)

4. I wish Robert DeNiro still made good movies. Oh, and movie trivia - "I coulda been a contender!" - On the Waterfront, not Raging Bull. Now you know.

I'm in possession of The Philadelphia Story right now, and the plan is to watch it before the end of the week. As for the rest of the list, I imagine it will be slow going, now that we're up against the double threat of homework and college football. Autumn is truly the best time of year.

Funny in part, people for all

2009-08-04T22:16:00.004-05:00

Just saw the movie "Funny People" and I must admit - I loved it.

I read a lot of movie reviews, in between answering student questions, departmental phone calls, and painting office walls and I was so disappointed last week when the reviews for the movie started coming out. They said it was too long, too serious, too unsympathetic. Perhaps this is what I needed going in, to put myself at a level to take the movie for what it was, without inflating it with anxious expectations. However, in case you are swayed by critics, I'd like to respond with my take.

The Length

Sure it's long for a comedy. But isn't that a good thing? The movie is about the reality of being a comedian, and the characters are all at different stages of success. Is it really so awful to hear 2 and a half hours worth of jokes? These are FUNNY PEOPLE. I want to be in their circle. I want to hear their observations about their daily lives. They're not suffering through a war. They're not dying of a terminal illness (spoiler alert!). They're just living. And, because it's their profession, they make jokes about living. I didn't want it to end. In fact, all of it seemed so fitting. We get to see Ira, an awkward, sincere guy who has to work at a deli to support his stand-up. We get to see the fantastic Jason Schwartzman in a ridiculous TV show bringing in $25,000 paychecks. We get to see Jonas, the fatter, younger, funnier version of Ira, making it big and handling it poorly. These are the young kids, the future, and Adam Sandler is figuring out the shitty nature of mortality through all of these venues. He gives the toast at Thanksgiving dinner, and alludes to his age, his friends, the friends who have gone, and it made me ache for Chris Farley and the good old days of SNL. There are so many moments that reach beyond the character and feel completely true. I'd watch 10 hours of footage just to be a witness to those lives.

Unsympathetic Characters

A lot of reviews mentioned that the movie doesn't work because we don't feel sad for unhappy rich people. What? A person has to live in a trailer or a crappy apartment to be sympathetic? No way. The loneliest people are not the ones on an island. They're the ones in the city, surrounded by people who don't understand. A lack of connection when there are limitless options. Same thing here. George Simmons has made it big. He has the big house and the movies and the stuff and everything, and you'd want to cross the street to avoid him. He pushes everyone away and continues to make terrible decisions. He has the goods, but no one to share it with. He has the people, but he can't make it there. He has been too entrenched in the competitive world of comedy and fame (that Jonah's character so evilly espouses) that he even lashes out at the sweet as pie Ira. The scene where Laura's daughter sings the song from Cats, is so small and real and true that it's heartbreaking. It was a short story moment and it was perfect. Even the reconciliation at the end in the grocery store, with the crumpled up notes was so completely fitting. With all the backstory between Apatow and Sandler, it is impossible not to feel something for these characters.

Adam Sandler

All critics love "Punch Drunk Love" - which I could never quite understand. It's too weirdly aggressive. But he is perfect in this movie. Watching him walk through the hospital lobby after getting his diagnosis, and posing in pictures with his fans - beautiful. Seeing him struggle against himself, so quietly and maddeningly, and facing all that has passed him by was so honest and true. The truth! I don't know if it's supposed to be a commentary on his career and his life, but there is so much to be taken from that perspective. At the very least, I think you can admit he's come a long way since "Big Daddy".

Unexpected Pleasure

Aubrey Plaza, as the female comic in the movie is an hysterical delight. She and Zoe Kazan (Revolutionary Road) are my top two discoveries of 2009. Such a treat.

Those are my two cents. I hope, at the very least, to provide an alternative commentary to the excessive disappointment of the critics. Enjoy or avoid - now you can make an informed decision.

If, then, you

2009-07-15T11:16:00.005-05:00

I'm always searching for connections. The more I consume, the more it all seems to relate to each other. So in an attempt to bridge the gap between what you like and what you haven't experienced, here are my observations.

If you like the song "Human of the Year" by Regina Spektor, then you might like the story "This Person" by Miranda July.

If you like the song "Two Birds" by Regina Spektor, then you might like the Pixar short film "For the Birds."

If you like the movie "Taxi Driver" then you might like the story, "Weights" by Charles Baxter.

I've been thinking about this post for awhile, waiting until I had an impressive collection of thoughts to finally publish it, but I'm short on material. Should quality art remind you of other art? Or should it be entirely new? Do entirely new concepts make you think of other entirely new concepts? Is the goal to be universal or unique? I have no answers, only questions. Also, if someone could tell me definitively what Travis looks at in the rear view mirror at the end of Taxi Driver, my sanity would thank you.

What do you think? Does your brain do this too? I'd love to hear your examples and thoughts. Or thoughtful examples, whichever you prefer.

An update on things that are good

2009-07-08T11:37:00.005-05:00

1. This week I lost a promotion but won a raise. Thanks, gov'nuh!

2. Elizabeth and the Catapult - Taller Children. Their first full-length album came out on June 9th and I didn't even know it! But thanks to iTunes, I got the whole thing for $6.99. Favorite tracks: "Taller Children", "Race You" and "Everybody Knows."

3. After watching Cabaret this weekend with the family, I finally broke down and asked Dad to send me a list of classic movies that I should've seen years ago. He sent me a list of 64 films and I promptly signed up for Netflix. So far this week we've seen Casablanca and Taxi Driver - back to back. It made for a very interesting evening. Tonight we're viewing On the Waterfront and Breakfast at Tiffany's. My goal is to watch as many as possible before classes start again on August 28th and I'll post reviews as I go along. If anyone has suggestions for classic movies to add to my queue, comment away!

4. Starbucks treat deals. In Manhattan, if you buy an iced coffee before 2, you can keep your receipt and bring it back after 2 to get any iced/blended/cold grande beverage for 2 bucks! It's the perfect excuse to splurge twice in one day.

5. Cherries. We've hit that holy grail of summer where, for one week, you can buy cherries at a non-absurd price. Yum.

men + guns + hats = happy Susan

2009-07-08T10:05:00.012-05:00

(I wish more people wore hats)

Occasionally, it's helpful to have gaps in your education. Despite Dad's best efforts, I know very little about American history. I can recognize important names, and can put together a very vague timeline of important events, but that's about it. Most of the time it's frustrating and embarrassing, but last night, it paid off.

(It is so nice to see his real face again. Where'd you get that scar, Johnny?)

Public Enemies is the story of John Dillinger - legendary bank robber and American anti-hero. Michael Mann (Hancock, The Aviator) directs in his typical fancy fashion. Again, my ignorance shows here - Steven swears there's some special name for the cinematography, but neither of us know what it is. All I know is, it's pretty. And flashy. And full of those great "production qualities" that I love so much. Most of the reviews written about the movie criticize the decision to make the film at all because everyone knows how the story ends. How can you possibly build suspense when you know the outcome? Enter: my generation. A bunch of know-nothings with an affinity for pretty pictures and pretty people. I caught myself holding my breath through many of the scenes in the movie. I knew the end, but I didn't know how or when. Johnny Depp does a wonderful job of bringing this legend to life - to real life, in a true, 3 dimensional character. He's not just a bank robber, he has a story, a motivation, a perspective that makes him choose to rob these banks and love these women and make the silly decisions over and over and over again. Through Depp, you love the anti-hero, and hope, foolishly, that Mann will decide to re-write history.

(She lubs him. In real life - I'm sure of it)

Mann's crazy cinematograhpy works here, because these are beautiful, powerful characters. You want to understand them, but the camera keeps moving. The few times when it stops, and lets the audience really see a straight profile shot, is incredibly effective. It seems to work as a rhetorical device, allowing the emotion to swell at all the right moments. Perhaps this is what cameras are supposed to do, to narrow the field of vision on important moments, while setting the tone for other scenes. This is the first time that I've actually considered it as a narrative tool. At the very least, it's captivating. The 1930's are my favorite cinematic decade. You've got sweet accents, pet names, adorable costumes and all the little small-town details that I dream of finding in antique stores. It is my ideal world, and I was perfectly content to live in Mann's creation for the full 2.5 hour epic.

(Cotillard calls this a $3 dress. Shenanigans!)

Regardless of how much you know about the true tales of Dillinger and his co-horts, it's still a fascinating part of history. Good movies based on true stories can even inspire the young and lazy to do their own research, and dig out those textbooks they so enthusiastically ignored. Maybe Mann chose to make the movie to help inform society about the history of the FBI. Maybe he's passionate about tommy guns and 30's cars. In the end, I don't care why, I'm just glad he did it.

(The tommy guns were beyond cool)

Varieties of Disturbance*

2009-07-01T16:23:00.011-05:00

Places I have come to fear the most

Tuesday night, Steven and I went bowling. We are so good at this. So good, that the owner, Mr. Zuck himself, remembered us and asked why we hadn't been in for awhile. (The last time we bowled I wore a long sleeve shirt and jeans. I'm thinking it was in March). We explained to him about the allure of Stimulus Tuesday, and then he gave me velcro shoes and Steven signed the credit slip. We played two games, and then took a snack break, which required me to venture into the Women's restroom. This restroom does double duty as a locker room for the league bowlers, and as I walked in, I was transported back 15 years to the YMCA locker room. I haven't thought about this locker room in an entire lifetime, but seeing the gray lockers and the little round bench brought back the chlorine smell, the cold carpet, the full-length mirror and the green swim bag filled with cracker bits, swim caps, goggle cases and earplugs. As the moment hit me, I was instantly exhausted, reliving the 6:30 practices, sunburned weekends and laps upon laps upon laps. The rest of the evening I bowled faster and faster, hearing whistles in my ears and constantly afraid that I would get kicked in the head by a girl doing a flip-turn. It worked. I scored a personal best of 143 and we got invited to join a bowling league. Thank you, Seahawks.

I'd rather be British

I live in an apartment complex attached to a car dealership. You can hear people being paged all day long. In our parking lot, old cars get their tires slashed, while 10 feet away, never-driven vehicles get waxed and buffed and loved. Now, a fireworks stand has joined the mix. It came in small doses. First with a small sign. Then a banner. Finally a table, then a tent over the table and a trailer. Yesterday there were two trailers and finally there were people. People and banners and tents and fireworks and pages. I do not like this, Sam-I-Am. My first memory of the fourth of july involved hiding in the back of the red car, seats prickly, air hot, my ears assaulted by the terrific noise of packs of black cats ignited at once. My second memory contains the image of Mom's burnt sock. Every other year melds together into a whirl of bug bites, fear, and exhaustion. I would like to reclaim my independence from this day.

Reactionary tale

These days, I have forgotten how to react. Someone starts telling a joke and I tense up - knowing that at the end, I will have to laugh. I know the right answer, but my brain will not respond. Instead I choke, or sneeze, or sit down and type an email. When someone is telling a sad story, I nod and ask what they would like for dinner. When a co-worker recently filled us in on her weekend adventures, I merely frowned, stared at her knee, and then started humming that new Lady Gaga song in my head. I think it's a result of watching too much TV. In the later seasons of ER, the acting is very similar to my behavior. People yell and cry and laugh and love, but never at the right time, or in a sensical way. They just... act. They are clinging desperately to a way of life that no longer exists. A hit TV show. A critically acclaimed drama. A part of Must See TV Thursday. We both exist in a world that has moved on, and so our reactions will never match up. We are marching to a different drummer. We are seeing a different reality. We are apart, and you do not understand.

*Title inspired by and stolen from Lydia Davis. Read the work. Let your mind bend around it. Then drink a milkshake.

List. Post. Haste.

2009-06-25T08:23:00.002-05:00

The first day of summer has officially come and gone, which means that summer "vacation" has reached the halfway mark. If this makes you feel blue, here's a list of things to look forward to. (Rhyme!)

1. Away We Go (June 5th)

This was released to theaters awhile ago, but as all good indie flicks go, it takes some time to reach Kansas. The movie has been getting mixed reviews, but it has all the elements of a good time. Screenplay by Dave Eggers + Sam Mendes directing + The Office's John Krasinski and SNL's Maya Rudolph = good enough for this blog. Look for it if you find yourself in a big city with an arts theater.

2. Public Enemies (July 1)

Johnny Depp is back, and he's not in a disney movie based on a theme park ride. Throw in Billy Crudup, a 1930's setting and a wardrobe full of three piece suits and I might as well just add this to my desert island top 5.

3. The Fourth of July (July 4th)

I don't particularly like the holiday (it's my least favorite of all time) but lots of people do. Look forward to it, if you're that kind of person.

4. Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince (July 15th)

Wizards, and Dumbledore and Ron and Hermione love, oh my!

5. Funny People (July 31st)

Apatow and company are back. And this time, they've brought Adam Sandler with them! (Can you hear my Dad groaning?) Apatow gets ambitious with his first attempt to combine comedy and drama, and I'm hoping that the effect pays off. Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill, Sarah Silverman and Jason Schwartzman all lend a helping hand.

6. Julie and Julia (August 7th)

In the sweltering month of August, there's nothing better than sitting in a dark, air-conditioned room with a giant box of buttery popcorn, watching someone else turn on an oven and cook delicious food. And in this movie, the people cooking are adorable "Junebug" Amy Adams and diva incarnate, Merryl Streep. Plus, it's a movie based on a book based on a blog. Live the dream.

7. The Time Traveler's Wife (August 14th)

It's been a long time coming. The original rights to the screenplay were purchased by Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston, way back when they were the perfect happy couple. Since then the script has been tossed around and back and forth and through years of edits and re-casting. Now it is here, and the first trailer doesn't exactly meet the massive expectations. If nothing else, use this as a reminder to pick up a copy of the book from a library or bookstore. Oh, and fair warning if you're searching at the library - Dewey classifies it as a Science Fiction book, so it'll take some digging. That's a little tip from me to you, free of charge.

8. Inglorious Basterds (August 21st)

Tarantino wraps up the summer season with his latest movie about WWII and Hitler's finest. I can't really tell what or why or how, but Brad Pitt and The Office's BJ Novak both star, so... good? I'm too curious not to add it to the list.

9. Paydays (June 26, July 10, July 24, August 7th and August 21st)

It's good to be employed.

10. Everybody by Ingrid Michaelson (August)

Not even a year after her tiny little album that could, Be Ok, was released, Ingrid is sending another full length record out into the world to be loved and adored. This also means a brand spankin' new US tour. Who's with me?

11. A Gate at the Stairs - Lorrie Moore (September 8th)

Her first new novel in ten years. Color me over the moon. There is absolutely no way it could live up the mountain of expectation that I have for it, but I had to share my joy with the internet, so that Steven doesn't get completely fed up and leave me forever. Ten! Years! (and only 77 more days to wait)

12. Far - Regina Spektor (June 23rd)

Last minute addition to the list. You can now test drive the album here.
Current favorites: Human of the Year, Eet and Folding Chair.

Happy summering!

Dunzo!

2009-06-24T08:15:00.001-05:00

This weekend marked my last trip to Omaha for two. whole. months. It also marked the end of my first year in Graduate School. Almost 12 months later and here is what I've done:

- created a website
- learned how to read HTML code
- developed a web tutorial
- learned about Bloom's Taxonomy
- wrote a rubric
- created a new record in OCLC
- wrote confidently about the origins of XML
- chatted about copyright law
- used the word metadata. a lot.
- learned to love and loathe google searching
- discovered ICDL, the coolest digital library on the planet
- wrote several papers about organization

And, today, in the last assignment for my summer class - I have discovered my dream job.

When I grow up, I wanna be an....

Instructional Humanities Reference Librarian.

Ka-pow! Now all I have to do is survive 27 more hours of course work, 2 hours of a practicum, and one semester of comprehensive exams. Grad school is so much prettier at the end then the beginning.

I plan to spend my two months of freedom spending some quality time with the Wii, watching the rest of the ER seasons, reading one shelf of my little bookshelf, and finally decorating/unpacking the apartment. If you are looking for inspiration for your freedom, may I suggest guiltily sneaking to the air conditioned movie theater for this adorable pleasure of a chick flick:

It passes even the most severe checklists for chick flick gold.

1. Funny dancing? Check!

2. Funny singing? Check!

3. Cute outfits? Check!

4. Random Office character? Check!

5. Palpable chemistry? Double check!

6. "Finish the story" improv game? Bonus check!

It was wonderful. Hailey and I laughed and laughed and laughed, Sandra Bullock looks amazing, Ryan Reynolds has seriously funny timing, and it made me remember how great it is to watch two people fall in love. Nothing better.

In case you need a reason to like today

2009-06-23T09:34:00.001-05:00

On sale at Target for under 10 dollars. Buy it and be happy and joyous and silly. She sings like a dolphin, people. What's not to love?

***UPDATE*** If you want to test drive the album, check it out here.

I'm down, clown

2009-06-22T16:50:00.000-05:00

This is *my* Country Stampede. Well, without the binge drinking and the camping and the debauchery. But you get what I mean.

Noteworthy

2009-06-17T12:56:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, June 16th, was an important day.

It was my initial start date for my job one year ago.

It was the first stimulus Tuesday of the summer that we did not attend. Instead, we played 5 games of miserable tennis in the hot muggy sun, followed by gigantic slushies and jalapeno flavored almonds. I sent Steven into the store with my debit card. Always an adventure.

Instead of dollar popcorn and watery soda, we ordered two big kid entrees (not sweet and sour chicken) from the Chinese place.

And, for the first time since the ER finale on April 2nd, I am out of ER. We watched the last four episodes of season 10 last night, which ended with a bizarre and unsatisfying cliffhanger. Pratt in a random car chase with a gun? Sam packing up all of her things to get away from her ex? Neela in Ann Arbor? I know it all turns out okay, but I don't know why or how it all turns out. Season 11 doesn't come out on DVD until July 14, and then... the wait is undetermined. Seasons 12 through 15 are not scheduled for release. Season 15 is sort of available on Hulu and I can only find snippets of promos for the other seasons on youtube. Tragedy is upon us. Do I dare pay $1.99 per episode? Can I leave my friends at County General in the lurch, unfinished and non-responsive? Now is the time for illegal downloads.

Last but not least, Steven dropped a glass full of milk (it's so exciting to make chocolate milk!), we got two ominous fortunes - "watch for something yellow" & "three months from today something will change your life!" and Hailey sent me beautiful bright flowers at work. The yellow lilies bloomed this morning, and I knew that June 16th would live in infamy.

“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results” - Einstein

2009-06-09T15:49:00.001-05:00

Today I watched a bug climb up my recycling bin, and then fall backwards with a hiss.

Is it more insane to...

A: be the bug, climbing and climbing, all day long when he could have just used his wings to fly away

Or

B: jump a mile every time I heard the hiss and then scoot the bin a little bit farther from me.

Finally, at 4:03p.m. Audra got tired of me knocking things over in fright, scooped up the bug and set him free outside the open window.

All in a day's work.

"What a terrible mistake to let go of something wonderful for something real. " - Miranda July

2009-05-31T13:45:00.000-05:00

I have a new addiction. Her name is Miranda July.

"Do you have doubts about life? Are you unsure if it is really worth the trouble? Look at the sky: that is for you. Look at each person's face as you pass them on the street: those faces are for you. And the street itself, and the ground under the street, and the ball of fire underneath the ground: all these things are for you. They are as much for you as they are for other people. Remember this when you wake up in the morning and think you have nothing. Stand up and face the east. Now praise the sky and praise the light within each person under the sky. It's okay to be unsure. But praise, praise, praise. " - Miranda July

Steven found a copy of No One Belongs Here More Than You on the cheap table at Waldenbooks. We almost didn't get it, because it was an audio CD, and neither one of us had cars with CD players. But then two weeks passed, and Iggy got a CD player, and the CD with the magical yellow cover called out to us and we were oh so happy that we had paid $3.99, just in case.

I recommend it with a grain of salt. It is not a book for children or the easily squeamish. But it is a book for me and so, therefore, a blog post has been created in its honor.

Wallflower friends til the end

2009-05-30T00:36:00.001-05:00

Friday, August 14th. 9:30pm. Record Bar. Kansas City, KS.

All are welcome. Few will go. Who will you be?

Stimulus Tuesday

2009-05-27T22:12:00.000-05:00

Every Tuesday at the Sethchild Cinema, they have dollar popcorn and dollar drinks. This gives Steven and I the perfect excuse to take in a summer blockbuster every week. If you have to grow up and work through the summer, you might as well splurge on big screen CGI, cheap popcorn and a couple rounds of air hockey. Ahh, adulthood.

Our first movie: Terminator Salvation aka Sexy Men with Guns.

Seriously. Arnold was a fantastic Terminator and the scariest bad guy ever created. But he wasn't.... attractive, per se. I mean, he really had a quality that made him not human. Which is why it continues to be strange to see him in office. But now in the fourth movie, they are amping up the sex appeal. Everyone is in these crazy detailed leather and boot couture outfits, women swing from abandoned scrap metal and then let their long curly hair flow around their perfect white teeth and post-apocalyptic eye make-up. It's a little strange. Sarah Connor came back in the second movie looking completely ripped, but it wasn't for sex appeal. She was leading the resistance! She had to be physically fit. Everyone in this movie is too pretty to be fighting machines. Though I do like a good set of cheekbones on the big screen.

Other than the visual appeal, the movie was fun. And if you have seen (and guiltily loved) the third movie, your expectations are in the right place for this one. It combined some of the best elements of the series in the big action numbers - motorcycle chases, big crane truck race, scary stripped down terminators, and the obligatory final battle in a factory. How do they end up in so many factories with the same stairs, spitting fire, and machinery noise? Are they using the same set for each film, just updating the special effects? Speaking of which, CGI Arnold was awesome and chilling. Reminded me completely of Otto in one of the final levels of Wolfenstein 3D. He was worth all of the ridiculous "dialogue." Probably the movie was a giant flop, but liking Arnold movies is practically a learned behavior in my development. I give it an A+ and suggest you read this article. Because it's nice to read about Christian Bale not yelling at someone for a change. (Beware of plot spoilers)

Next week's movie: Up! Thank heavens for Pixar. It's not summer without it.

And if you're still jonesin' for a Kris Allen fix ... here's a pretty cute little article about our favorite American Idol. All together now: Awww.

My blog OWNS.

2009-05-20T21:38:00.001-05:00

Clearly, America is taking notice from this tiny little blog.

Because Kris Allen is victorious. (And stinkin' adorable)

And now, unfortunately, "No Boundaries" is his first single.

Other thoughts on the finale:

-I kind of really want to buy Steve Martin's bluegrass album
-Margo would've been so much better than stinky Megan
-Anoop has completely forgotten that he is supposed to be geeky, and is now way too cool for me to ever relate to
-David Cook sounded flawless
-Simon looked pissed
-Adam finally wore all the wacky things he wanted. Metal wings? Spice Girl boots? KISS?
-LOVED the Keith Urban/Kris Allen duet. Forgot how good light and fluffy country music is for the soul
-Pretty sure I definitely want to see the Black Eyed Peas in concert

And finally, I am officially far too invested in this show. Thank you Fox for developing such compelling mindless entertainment. As it did my senior year of high school, it is the best form of escapist therapy that I have ever found.

Now go watch Kris videos on youtube because I cannot for the life of me get them to stick around this blog.

Culture Watch: American Idol 2009

2009-05-13T08:22:00.001-05:00

I. love. Kris. Allen.

But... can he actually win?

I hope so. Because I think a win would mean that maybe other cool kids such as myself, have found a place on Idol. When it gets down to the end, I feel like you're not really voting for a person as much as you are a genre. Danny Gokey is the older woman crowd favorite - big ballad soft rock. This is a GIANT voting category. This voting category lets people like Clay Aiken and Taylor Hicks get past round one. It is a force to be reckoned with and it scares the crap out of me. I won't mention his disastrous attempt at rock. I won't mention how incredibly DULL and AWKWARD he is on TV. But I will mention that I hate the judges. I hate that they make a choice in the first week, and then get their brains all twisted around so that they don't notice when a performer stops improving and when others start beating them. I won't mention it, because maybe it's harder to see than it looks. But aren't they supposed to be professionals?

Moving on...

Adam Lambert is the rock crowd vote. And, apparently, the MTV crowd favorite. Maybe it's the eyeliner and the alternative lifestyle. Who knows exactly why such an obvious rocker has made it so far on what started out as a competition to find the next big pop star. Other rockers have tried and failed to straddle the line between rock and pop, but Adam represents more than one crowd, and I think that's why he's been getting so much love. I also think that's why Simon Cowell has been out and about the talk show circuit chatting him up so much. It would look mighty silly for the show to have another soft rock winner that goes on to make subpar records that the show's target audience won't buy. For me, Adam's allure wore off after that beautiful cover of Gary Jules' version of "Mad World." Sidenote: I wonder how many Donnie Darko fans tune in to American Idol every week. This is where I think he's great. But he realizes that the crowd of people who dig that is much smaller than the crowd of people who love it when it wags his tongue, screams Aerosmith, and dances down giant stage stairs in neon pant suits. I have always thought Adam was a great performer, but I would never buy one of his albums. Shouldn't that play a factor? Apparently the show can't sail along on great vocals - there has to be excessive performance elements as well. Kris gets hammered week after week for not having enough energy on stage, but his emotion is so much more evident than anyone else's. As for musical ability - Kris has played three different instruments while singing, while Adam sticks to fashion accessories.

Which leaves Kris. Kris, from what I can tell, is our contemporary folk pop representative. Many a 20 something have tried and failed to win America's votes in this genre (most notably Megan Joy, who cites Bjork as her favorite female vocalist). All season long, the judges kept her around because she was so contemporary, but they take every possible opportunity to slam Kris' choices or give him lukewarm reviews. What? He has always been the most marketable contestant on the show and yet - gets no love from the four in charge.

It seems to me that the kinds of people who would dig Kris' music.... aren't watching American Idol. I had given up on the show for the past few years, and only started watching again this season because Margo was auditioning. Of course, once you start, it's hard to stop, especially since Margo and Anoop tried out in the same episode. But this is what worries me. If Kris is the contemporary choice, at least musically, but no contemporary music lovers are watching Idol - then should the show continue at all? If Adam didn't wear flamboyant white suits, eyeliner and scream at high decibels - would he be considered the amazing, hidden talent that is worth such excessive judge favoritism? And in the end, shouldn't the winner be my favorite, and not America's?

I think so.

An ER update

2009-05-09T21:51:00.000-05:00

This is my only weekend at home for the month of May, and I am spending it in the least productive mode possible. I originally had big plans to clean and organize the house in time for
Steven's graduation guests next weekend. But then on Wednesday, I overloaded the washer, which forced Steven to move the mouse trap to the middle of the floor, and when we went to move it back after dinner, we were greeted by a long straight tail sticking out the back. Yuck and ick. I am using the untimely death of our mouse friend to justify staying in bed and watching the good doctors at County General do their thang all weekend. It has, thus far, been lovely.

Since the finale I have made it through four complete seasons of the show, averaging around a season a week. At Digital Shelf, you can rent a full season for 4 bucks. Ka-ching! Though, for some reason, Season 3 is in high demand, could not be rented, and cost 50 bucks at Best Buy. Grrr. Even on Amazon, where they sell the complete seasons for 20 bucks each, Season 3 was still 40. What gives? I didn't think it was singularly spectacular. But I now own it, so if you are going through a similar ER fixation, let me know.

What I have discovered in these weeks of intense research and memory searching is that everything I remembered about the show - is wrong. Kerry did not sing a Green Day song at Jeannie's funeral. Jeannie sang a Green Day song at Scott Anspaugh's funeral. Dr. Carter was not in charge, he wasn't even an ER intern until the third season! And the episode with the novel that I had such affectionate feelings for - wasn't even an important plot point. Instead, that is the episode where Mark gets beat up in the bathroom. I don't know what kind of weird denial centered suppression is going on in my brain but it has clearly been hard at work my entire life. It's like having a very specific, not very useful amnesia. Perhaps my brain is constantly in shock - that it can never handle bad news. I was always kind of a somber kid, especially in school, so I remember fearing terrible things happening. But apparently, when they actually do, my brain is ill-equipped to confront it. I just keep taking side doors.

Now I am well in to season 5 - and wondering when the heck Doug is finally leaving - trying desperately to remember if Kellie Martin was in "Life Goes On" or "Picket Fences". Or was it both? These are the important questions that must be answered. Also, I do love a good Romano villain. And what is Lizzie doing dating Benton? Surely she ends up with Mark? It's a nice little world they've created for us, and I am happy to indulge myself completely.

Steven and I watched the latest episode of Grey's Anatomy on Thursday, and Steven commented that it was weird to see other people in scrubs. It's true. It was also strange to hear George say "hook that blood up to the rapid infuser" because it is so not that kind of show. I love that just because George moves quickly and is good at saying things fast, that means he would be an excellent trauma surgeon. What? And why do they refer to the ER as "the pit?" It's hard to go back and forth, because Grey's pales in comparison as a medical drama. I rarely cry at ER - strange - but Grey's always gets me. Is it because it's new? Am I more invested in the characters? It might just be that too many people die on ER to get really emotional. On Grey's, if someone dies, it's a full-length episode event. Also, I felt really bad for George on the last episode of Grey's, because they did these little quick takes during the wedding scene, and showed all of the other characters happily paired off. Even the interns were in pairs! I still think that TR Knight refused his relationship plotline with Lexie and that's why he's getting no love this season. If so, what an obvious ouch. His departure at the end of this season will not be as dramatic or memorable as Clooney's - but I don't think Grey's has the stamina to last more than a couple more seasons anyway.

In other news, today marks 18 months for the Steven and Susan success story. We celebrated by being extra nice to each other and eating a late lunch at La Fiesta. It is sad that they have finally killed El Cazador, but at least it has forced me to admit that Fiesta is an acceptable substitute. Tomorrow is picnic and tennis.... if we can pry ourselves away from the incessant medical drama.

My skin is thin

2009-05-05T15:42:00.000-05:00

It really upsets me when people anonymously post mean comments to Steven's Collegian articles. What am I going to do if he gets a bad book review? It's hard enough to get continually rejected from tiny lit mags, but at least then you just get a form letter. It doesn't tell you specifically why and how you're not good enough.

I am not a fan of criticism.

I am a fan of dispensing it, constructively of course, but I don't like coming across a public criticism by an anonymous fellow.

It just seems rude. Steven doesn't get to be anonymous. But his detractors do? There are some things that bother me about the internet, and lack of responsibility for opinions is a big one.

*le sigh*

In unrelated news, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button is out on DVD today. You should rent it and cry your eyes out. But first, read the short story. And keep your negative comments to yourself.

I like to run. Running is fun. I want to have fun. I want to run.

2009-05-04T22:10:00.001-05:00

This is my new mantra. Steven and I have been trying to jog/walk for an hour every night after work. It helps us not eat potato chips, watch TV and ignore each other. This way, we can't eat potato chips (for that hour anyway), there's no TV and we have to talk to each other. It's working out. I'm still waiting for the endorphines to kick in, and I'm pretty sure Steven is too. I know that a sedentary lifestyle leads to increased crankiness, but I seem to generate a fair amount of crankiness while exercising as well. Thus, the mantra.

Tonight, for the first time in a couple of weeks, I went running by myself. Anyone who has known me for a fair amount of time, knows that I never really learned how to run. Simply put, I run funny. I'm slow, I'm awkward, it's uncomfortable to watch. I played softball for at least 12 years of my life, and Mom still cringed every time I ran to first. It's a definite unsolvable problem. Anyway, when I run with Steven, it doesn't really matter. He sets the pace, we go slow enough so that we can still carry on a conversation, and I don't look as barbaric when there's a normal person there beside me. Also, he tends to run in funny clothes, so they notice that rather than my form. I, of course, have the appropriate gear, but all the wrong natural elements. Today, I had my fitness fashion, I had my Sansa and my authentic IPOD earbuds, and I was ready to go. I was even listening to music instead of a book on tape. A regular jogger in the park. Except, from the moment I started, I had zero control of my limbs. I simply could not remember how to do it on my own. My feet kept hitting flat, I would run too fast and then too slow, I couldn't catch my breath but then as soon as I stopped to walk I could breathe normally, my arms were flailing all over the place and I kept catching my toe on the ankle of my other foot. I have no idea how. I was, of course, completely paranoid that every passing car with the window rolled down was enjoying the view of my newfound amnesia. Without Steven by my side, I had no idea what to do. It should be the most natural thing in the world. First walk, then run. Easy peasy. Nothing to it. Could. not. get. it. By the time I had hit the 40 minute mark, I started to relax. I have no idea if my form improved, but at least my body had found homeostasis with its new pattern of movement.

The point is this: there are several wonderful things about having Steven in my life. He takes me to work in the morning. He makes me fried eggs so that I don't burn my lip while eating dinner. He takes the rent check to Connie so that I don't have to make small talk. He does a million tiny things every day. And now, he has even found a cure for my longest running ailment. Without Steven, I'm just a weird girl in a park. With him, I'm part of an elite team, a group of people who "run for fun." He is the real evolution.

***

Steven and I went to Omaha this weekend for the 2009 Berkshire Hathaway Annual Meeting. It was our first meeting, and I was not prepared. There were 35,000 people and we were running on 4 hours of sleep. I was cranky. He was cranky. Warren and Charlie were not cranky, and if I had not just written Dad a 5 page email about the events, I would recount them for you here. But, I am lazy, and Steven writes for money, so instead I'll just insert the link to his perspective of the events, found in today's Collegian.

The one thing you definitely need to know about the experience is that you should go. If ever you get the chance (and everyone reading this blog will, as you are probably within the Alsop circle of opportunity) you should go. This was my first 8 hour meeting about investing, and while some of it sailed right over my ignorant head, most of it has lodged itself squarely in my brain. Warren and Charlie are fascinating men, and it is the only time that 35,000 people will assemble in a sports arena to hear two 78 year olds speak about life and money. Plus you can buy coke in a can for 2 bucks each. Totally the Capitalist Woodstock.

This is fact not fiction, for the first time in years

2009-04-25T10:32:00.000-05:00

An update on the K-State football team via the Kansas City Star:

The message is out.

Asked Tuesday during the Big 12 football coaches’ spring teleconference call how close Kansas State was to being where he hopes it will be, Bill Snyder was candid.

“I can’t see there from here,” he said.

He clarified.

“It’s a long ways away from where I would like for it to be for a lot of different reasons,” Snyder said. “It’s nothing that has anything to do with anything other than trying to get young people to accept responsibility to do the things we need to do and be able to practice with the same intent as their coaches.”

It is such a relief to hear the truth. During the seemingly interminable Prince administration, every year we'd get the same cheery story about national titles, conference championships, magical offenses. And every year, we'd get to November and lose every stinkin' single game. It's nice to hear the truth. I don't know why I take such comfort in reading these tiny little snippets of news about a season that is still 4 months away. But I do take great comfort in it. It is one of the only things that I truly care about, that can completely consume me, in the same way as it did before June 18th. There are so few things that I feel connected to anymore. It's as if (to use a Harry Potter analogy) all of those people and hobbies from before are just beyond the veil. I am forever cut off from them and getting them back would only be possible in a pre-June 18 world. Probably, to get them back in the same way would have to exist in a pre- March 17 world. It's not necessarily a depressing fact, but a real one. A constant sign of change and evolution that life forces us to make. I have new things to love. New people in life. But to have just one constant. To have the same thrill for football season as I had when I would eagerly cut out pictures from the Sunday morning Wichita Eagle. It makes me feel like we will all survive and someday.... get better.

The Place to Be

2009-04-10T15:34:00.000-05:00

Top 5 Financially Happy States

Nebraska Tops the List, While Oregon's High Unemployment Brings Up the Rear

By BIANNA GOLODRYGA, MARY PFLUM and IMAEYEN IBANGA

April 6, 2009 —

If it's financial happiness you're seeking for your next move, then the Midwest may be your best bet because according to a new study Nebraska tops the list of happiest states, fiscally.

The home of the Cornhuskers, Kool-Aid and the world's largest porch swing ranked No. 1 on MainStreet.com's Happiness Index, which used unemployment figures, foreclosures and nonmortgage debt to determine a state's overall financial well being.

"We don't go clear out on the edge with projects. We kind of go pay as you go. That's more what we like to do in Nebraska. We don't get the huge good time, but we don't get the huge bad time either," said Hastings Mayor Vern Powers. "We kind of stay in a little flatter area. In the long term, we think that's what's best."

Financial experts said other states can learn from Nebraska's conservative attitude toward money, as well as its efforts to grow a diversity of industries.

Its ethanol plants, in particular, have flourished and the ongoing effort to grow industry has enabled people who lose jobs to find new ones relatively easily.

In fact Nebraska's unemployment rate in February was a 4.2 percent. It also had one foreclosure per 25,187 households.

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy for These States

The first-of-its-kind index also included Iowa, Kansas, Hawaii and Louisiana, which followed Nebraska on the list respectively.

And according to MainStreet.com, it's no coincidence that the nation's three happiest states all are in the Midwest.

"I think that on the coasts In New York and California we have a lot of people living beyond their means. But in the Midwest that's often not the case," said MainStreet.com general manager Harleen Kahlon. "Maybe the take-away is that living large is not the answer."

Take the financially savvy billionaire Warren Buffet. The frugal Nebraskan still lives in the same modest home he bought in 1958 for $31,000.

The Least Happy States: Unemployment and Foreclosures

High unemployment and foreclosure rates elevated Oregon to the moniker of the least happy state financially. The Pacific Northwest state was preceded by Florida, California, Nevada and Rhode Island with the Sunshine State fairing the best among the quintet.

The nation's unemployment rate rose to 8.5 percent, the highest in nearly 26 years, but these states' statistics were even dimmer.

Both Rhode Island and California's unemployment rate was 10.5 percent in February, while Nevada had 10.1 percent. Oregon had 10.8 percent and Florida had 9.4 percent.

But MainStreet.com said it expects movement in the happiness index. Oregon is expected to climb thanks in part to its investment in the green sector, which MainStreet.com predicts will experience a great deal of growth in months and years to come.

ER nostalgia

2009-04-04T19:57:00.000-05:00

I had lunch with the Lee sisters on Thursday, which prompted an ER finale and chili date at their house Thursday night. Sidenote: Kelsey and Kayla are living in my dream home. It's in Manhattan, it was built in the 70's, complete with olive green appliances, a panic room and bright orange curtains. I had been wondering what kind of house I should live in when I grow up, and now I know. They even have a trampoline. They are living my dream life, and I'm just happy to stop in, watch their fancy TV and get fed chili and cookies. It's so nice to have them in town.

Anyway....

We watched the ER finale together, complete with the one hour retrospective. I, like most of America, stopped watching the show years ago, mostly because I came to college. I never had an obsessive reaction to the show, but watched it regularly when I was younger, because Mom and Dad would always look forward to it. It was a show that never made sense to me as a ten year old, and my constant memory of the experience is asking bewildered questions and being shushed my Mom and Dad. The only episode that really sticks in my brain circled around a novel that someone in the hospital wrote. I don't think the author was ever revealed, but it seemed to me that Dr. Carter was the one responsible. For this reason, I always saw the show as Noah Wyle's. In later seasons, the one's that no one watched, it was his show. But I think that shaded how I viewed the whole series. In reading about the favorite ER moments and watching the retrospective, I was maddened by these vague memories of big events in the show hanging at the edge of my memory. I remember Dr. Weaver singing the Green Day song at someone's funeral. I remember some Doctor getting accidentally poked with an HIV positive needle. I remember laying next to Mom on Thanksgiving, watching Julianna Marguiles do... something. Mom always had such a crush on George Clooney. From what I can remember, he was the only celebrity she ever admitted having a crush on.

And so, with my love of nostalgia, I rushed out after the finale to rent season 1 of the series. I'm now hooked, determined to chase down those distant memories, and finally put these pieces of history into a narrative context. I watch each episode with a sense of urgent anxiety. Every new episode could unlock all sorts of buried memories. I've made it through the first 10 episodes so far, and all I've really discovered is that every single bit of the opening stabs me with forgotten familiarity. Anthony Edwards rolling back in his chair, Eriq La Salle punching the air in the ER hallway. It's such a comfort to revisit these familiar scenes. It puts me back in that frame of mind, nestled into the couch, sitting on Mom's feet eating popcorn, or watching the taped version the next day with a homemade icee. No other form of escapism is quite as effective. The only downside is that it makes it very difficult to focus on my methods of metadata standards paper (due tomorrow).

Does anyone else have favorite memories, episodes, or experiences?

2009-04-02T16:14:00.000-05:00

Hamlet's Not Depressed. He's Grieving.

By Meghan O'Rourke
Posted Thursday, March 12, 2009, at 11:29 AM ET

I had a hard time sleeping right after my mother died. The nights were long and had their share of what C.S. Lewis, in his memoir A Grief Observed, calls "mad, midnight … entreaties spoken into the empty air." One of the things I did was read. I read lots of books about death and loss. But one said more to me about grieving than any other: Hamlet. I'm not alone in this. A colleague recently told me that after his mother died he listened over and over to a tape recording he'd made of the Kenneth Branagh film version.

I had always thought of Hamlet's melancholy as existential. I saw his sense that "the world is out of joint" as vague and philosophical. He's a depressive, self-obsessed young man who can't stop chewing at big metaphysical questions. But reading the play after my mother's death, I felt differently. Hamlet's moodiness and irascibility suddenly seemed deeply connected to the fact that his father has just died, and he doesn't know how to handle it. He is radically dislocated, stumbling through the world, trying to figure out where the walls are while the rest of the world acts as if nothing important has changed. I can relate. When Hamlet comes onstage he is greeted by his uncle with the worst question you can ask a grieving person: "How is it that the clouds still hang on you?" It reminded me of the friend who said, 14 days after my mother died, "Hope you're doing well." No wonder Hamlet is angry and cagey.

Hamlet is the best description of grief I've read because it dramatizes grief rather than merely describing it. Grief, Shakespeare understands, is a social experience. It's not just that Hamlet is sad; it's that everyone around him is unnerved by his grief. And Shakespeare doesn't flinch from that truth. He captures the way that people act as if sadness is bizarre when it is all too explainable. Hamlet's mother, Gertrude, tries to get him to see that his loss is "common." His uncle Claudius chides him to put aside his "unmanly grief." It's not just guilty people who act this way. Some are eager to get past the obvious rawness in your eyes or voice; why should they step into the flat shadows of your "sterile promontory"? Even if they wanted to, how could they? And this tension between your private sadness and the busy old world is a huge part of what I feel as I grieve—and felt most intensely in the first weeks of loss. Even if, as a friend helpfully pointed out, my mother wasn't murdered.

I am also moved by how much in Hamlet is about slippage—the difference between being and seeming, the uncertainty about how the inner translates into the outer. To mourn is to wonder at the strangeness that grief is not written all over your face in bruised hieroglyphics. And it's also to feel, quite powerfully, that you're not allowed to descend into the deepest fathom of your grief—that to do so would be taboo somehow. Hamlet is a play about a man whose grief is deemed unseemly.

Strangely, Hamlet somehow made me feel it was OK that I, too, had "lost all my mirth." My colleague put it better: "Hamlet is the grief-slacker's Bible, a knowing book that understands what you're going through and doesn't ask for much in return," he wrote to me. Maybe that's because the entire play is as drenched in grief as it is in blood. There is Ophelia's grief at Hamlet's angry withdrawal from her. There is Laertes' grief that Polonius and Ophelia die. There is Gertrude and Claudius' grief, which is as fake as the flowers in a funeral home. Everyone is sad and messed up. If only the court had just let Hamlet feel bad about his dad, you start to feel, things in Denmark might not have disintegrated so quickly!

Hamlet also captures one of the aspects of grief I find it most difficult to speak about—the profound sense of ennui, the moments of angrily feeling it is not worth continuing to live. After my mother died, I felt that abruptly, amid the chaos that is daily life, I had arrived at a terrible, insistent truth about the impermanence of the everyday. Everything seemed exhausting. Nothing seemed important. C.S. Lewis has a great passage about the laziness of grief, how it made him not want to shave or answer letters. At one point during that first month, I did not wash my hair for 10 days. Hamlet's soliloquy captures that numb exhaustion, and now I read it as a true expression of grief:

O that this too too sullied flesh would melt,
Thaw and resolve itself into a dew,
Or that the Everlasting had not fix'd
His canon 'gainst self-slaughter. O God! God!
How weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable
Seem to me all the uses of this world!

Those adjectives felt apt. And so, even, does the pained wish—in my case, thankfully fleeting—that one might melt away. Researchers have found that the bereaved are at a higher risk for suicideality (or suicidal thinking and behaviors) than the depressed. For many, that risk is quite acute. For others of us, this passage captures how passive a form those thoughts can take. Hamlet is less searching for death actively than he is wishing powerfully for the pain just to go away. And it is, to be honest, strangely comforting to see my own worst thoughts mirrored back at me—perhaps because I do not feel likely to go as far into them as Hamlet does. (So far, I have not accidentally killed anyone with a dagger, for example.)

The way Hamlet speaks conveys his grief as much as what he says. He talks in run-on sentences to Ophelia. He slips between like things without distinguishing fully between them—"to die, to sleep" and "to sleep, perchance to dream." He resorts to puns because puns free him from the terrible logic of normalcy, which has nothing to do with grief and cannot fully admit its darkness.

And Hamlet's madness, too, makes new sense. He goes mad because madness is the only method that makes sense in a world tyrannized by false logic. If no one can tell whether he is mad, it is because he cannot tell either. Grief is a bad moon, a sleeper wave. It's like having an inner combatant, a saboteur who, at the slightest change in the sunlight, or at the first notes of a jingle for a dog food commercial, will flick the memory switch, bringing tears to your eyes. No wonder Hamlet said, "… for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." Grief can also make you feel, like Hamlet, strangely flat. Nor is it ennobling, as Hamlet drives home. It makes you at once vulnerable and self-absorbed, needy and standoffish, knotted up inside, even punitive.

Like Hamlet, I, too, find it difficult to remember that my own "change in disposition" is connected to a distinct event. Most of the time, I just feel that I see the world more accurately than I used to. ("There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,/ Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.") Pessimists, after all, are said to have a more realistic view of themselves in the world than optimists.

The other piece of writing I have been drawn to is a poem by George Herbert called "The Flower." It opens:

How Fresh, O Lord, how sweet and clean
Are thy returns! ev'n as the flowers in spring;
To which, besides their own demean,
The late-past frosts tributes of pleasure bring.
Grief melts away
Like snow in May,
As if there were no such cold thing.

Who would have thought my shrivel'd heart
Could have recover'd greennesse? It was gone
Quite under ground; as flowers depart
To see their mother-root, when they have blown;
Where they together
All the hard weather,
Dead to the world, keep house unknown.

Quite underground, I keep house unknown: It does seem the right image of wintry grief. I look forward to the moment when I can say the first sentence of the second stanza and feel its wonder as my own.

Fruitful adventures

2009-04-01T17:26:00.000-05:00

Steven and I have acquired a pet. Click here to meet him.

Day 4: Adolfo!

2009-03-29T11:05:00.000-05:00

Saturday was our final day in Madison and I had big plans to hit all the spots on my list that we hadn't found yet. We started with lunch on State Street, desperate to find some Greek food. We had tried to get Greek food the past couple of days, but the restaurants were always closed. There was some terrible fast food gyro place called The Parthenon, but we weren't that desperate yet. Luckily, it turned out that the Greek restaurants just kept weird hours. When we arrived for the lunch rush, The Mediterranean Cafe was in full swing. By the time we had finished ordering and filling out a check (again, no love for the debit card) our food was ready and waiting for us at a small table in the corner. It was the best food I've ever eaten. Falafel, Greek taboule salad, hummus and rice. We finished it off with baklava for dessert and were more than ready to love Madison again. I didn't take pictures of our food here because the restaurant was crazy cramped. I was too afraid of other people getting angry that they were in the picture, so I just kept my head down.

After that we found the bookstore that Steven had been waiting for. Avol's Books at Canterbury is a massive used bookstore. The back has a great children's section with princesses and magical forests painted on the walls and is built like a castle. I would've loved going to a place like that when I was little. I still remember the Goodnight Moon exhibit that was set up in the Salina mall one Christmas when I was 6 or 7. It held such magic for me for so many years. Later, when we went back to the mall during some Debate trip, I was shocked to find that it was just an average mall. Nothing exciting. No magical special stores or displays. Just a Gap and a kitchen store. I think it's important for stores to have something unique for kids - especially bookstores. It just adds so much to the experience, and in my case, that memory is still with me. Steven did not find what he was looking for - an old english version of Beowulf - but I found lots of things that I could not afford to get. I also found several used copies of Who Will Run the Frog Hospital, and was again confronted with the dilemma of buying multiple copies (though different editions) of Moore's books. I opted against it, but I was a little peeved that I had purchased it for full price from the feminist bookstore. Live and learn. Steven picked up a copy of Berryman's poems and we got a collection of new short stories discovered in MFA programs around the country. I also got a copy of Susan Minot's Lust, which is one of my favorite collections, much to Steven's dismay. Apparently it is also his high school girlfriend's favorite collection, which happens more often than you'd think. I have scared Steven more than once with similarities to Hallie - once with a letter from Pratt School of Design about their Library Science Program (Hallie goes there.) And then again when I put an Aimee Mann song on a mix for him. The same one that she listened to ad nauseum while they were together. I could tell him about all the times he does or says or listens to things that Karson did, but I keep that to myself. In some ways, we all date the same person over and over and over. Either that, or everyone is less unique than they care to admit. Either way, I'm still a Minot fan.

I dragged Steven out of the store so that we could get to the Overture Center in time for our matinee production of The Drowsy Chaperone. When I was searching for concerts and plays in Madison that weekend, this show came up on my radar and I had heard nothing about it. After doing a quick wikipedia search, I discovered that it had been popularized by Sutton Foster. This, clearly, was fate. I have been to New York once, and saw four shows. None of them made a lasting impression on me except for Thoroughly Modern Millie. I bought the soundtrack, I played it constantly and memorized all the nuances. I practiced "Gimme, Gimme" and fantasized about using it in my audition for AMDA. It's still my favorite roadtrip music. And the lead in this musical, was Sutton Foster. I loooove her. Anything she touches is gold, and even though she was no longer traveling with the show (she's currently starring in Shrek the Musical) I knew it would be wonderful. So Steven bought the super expensive tickets in the balcony and we headed in, with no idea of what to expect.

It was fantastic. The story takes place in a rundown New York City apartment. The narrator, a young, depressed man who likes to escape into his showtune records for the afternoon, guides us through the completely ridiculous plot of The Drowsy Chaperone. It is light, silly and full of wonderful music and just the right amount of tap dancing. And the female lead, while not Sutton, still sang like her, so a worthwhile substitute. Steven liked it even more than I did, fully solidifying his role as best boyfriend ever. We celebrated the success of the show with yet another trip to Jamba Juice.

For the afternoon we visited a few more shops downtown, but were disappointed by most. Saturday afternoon is not a good time to go shopping in small boutiques. You can't get anywhere or see anything. It was a mad house. We finally left State for the comforts of deserted thrift stores and antique shops. Unfortunately the antique shops were a little too deserted. Who closes at 5pm on a Saturday? Apparently the entire antique shop industry. We tried at our luck at St. Vincent de Paul thrift store - the Madison equivalent of the Salvation Army - and found a couple of bargains. Steven begged and pleaded for a VHS copy of Sister Act and I found an orange skirt from Express for 3 bucks. Score! I also found an adorable dress but it was still 33 dollars. Seriously? I was tempted to boycott the whole story based on that price tag, but Steven really wanted the movie.

For dinner that night we tried to eat in our neck of the woods. We found a Thai place and were seated very promptly. Then we were completely ignored for twenty minutes. We got our menus, but nothing else, and never saw anyone again. When we got up to leave, the hostess thanked us, though there was a little bit of confusion in her voice. We took the opportunity to check out Willy St - the proclaimed "alternative" area of Madison. We found the Thai place on our list and got water AND menus before being ignored for twenty minutes. Small victories. I think it must just be something about Thai restaurants. By the time we ordered, we were starving, which caused us to mistakenly order two of the world's largest and unappetizing spring rolls in the history of the world.

I got halfway through mine and was more full than I had been on the entire trip. Which was a shame, because then my pad thai came and it was about 8 million times yummier than the spring rolls and I had no room to eat it. We tried to save it and bring it home with us, but unfortunately, the cooler was not enough to preserve it and the stench was unbearable by the time we got back to Manhattan.

If only I had known!

We spent our last evening in Madison watching Family Guy on Hulu and drinking frosty Dr. Pepper from the hotel fridge. It had been a wonderful trip, and I was really dreading the 10 hour drive back to Manhattan, work, school, laundry and facing up to my post-vacation bank statement. Steven and I have made official plans to spend the summer after Grad school backpacking through Europe, so at least the dream of that keeps me going.

How do adults survive life without a Spring Break?

Day 3: Scandinavia!

2009-03-27T13:09:00.000-05:00

Our initial plan for Day 3 was to drive an hour to Milwaukee, check out a Great Lake and visit a museum that Steven had discovered in his "365 places you should see before you die" calendar that I had given him for Christmas. Steven has this habit of mentioning a new place for us to live every day. We should move to Morocco! We should move to Corpus Christie! We should move to Alaska! Etc, etc. It can be triggered by any bit of stimuli that he picks up throughout the day. Maybe it came to him in a dream. Maybe it was the background of a McDonald's commercial. Maybe he heard someone say a word similar to state name. The sky's the limit. I have learned, after 16 months, to not get freaked out and start planning our futures around these ever changing plans. Rather, I like to influence them, to see how outlandish they can get. Thus, the desk calendar.

However, like the rest of our plans, we never got to Milwaukee, the great lake, or a museum of any kind. On Friday morning Steven slept until noon, and I watched The Office and Grey's Anatomy on my laptop, while drinking Dr. Pepper for breakfast. It was better than anything I could've planned. After sending away Housekeeping 4 times, we finally embraced the day and decided to drop in on the Indian restaurant that had caused us so much grief. Steven's car, however, did not think much of this plan. Apparently the indestructible beast is starting to show his age. Halfway down the Beltline Highway, I felt a small shift beneath us. I thought nothing of it, as Iggy is constantly bumping around and I just turn up the music to block it out. Luckily, Steven is the main driver of our relationship. He pulled over to the side of the road and I immediately assumed that we had popped a tire, run out of gas, or left something on the roof. It is always a safe bet that my assumptions are wrong. If you find yourself lost, with the decision of turning left or right, always ask me. 100% of the time. I will choose the wrong answer, eliminating the need for any guesswork. It turns out that the car had slipped out of gear. I don't really understand this, given that the car is an automatic, but that's what Steven says, so I believe him. The car I first learned to drive was a Crown Victoria. It, too, had a problem with gears. You would have to line up the gear with the letter marked R to go forward. N meant reverse and 1 meant park. Or something like that. I don't remember the order and the Google image search I just did yielded nothing useful. The main idea is that the letters there to help you, didn't help. You just had to memorize the car's new broken language, and drive accordingly. The good thing about Steven's new car language was that I was released from any driving responsibility for the rest of the trip. I had put in my two hours from Wendy's to Iowa City and now I had a foolproof excuse to stay in the passenger seat. Again, better than I could've ever planned.

We finally got to the Indian restaurant after a few more trips to the side of the road. We arrived just at the tail end of their lunch buffet, and tried to wheedle our way into a free meal. Indian women, however, are immune to Steven's charms and my sheepish shrugs. We got a table and ordered drinks before taking a peek at the buffet. Can you guess what's coming? Oh yes. Another mistake. The rice was crunchy, the chicken dry, the curry clumpy the whole thing picked over and less than appetizing. It was my first experience with Indian food, but I'm going to give it the benefit of the doubt and assume that it was not the top of the line. Steven tried a bunch of curries and I ate rice and some strange meatball dish. At least this way my stomach would be ready for a real meal later on. We paid and left, regretting the decision, the food and the amount of time it took.

Steven had scheduled a campus tour at 3:30. I had been trying to get out of it from the first moment he mentioned it. I've given campus tours for three years. I knew that 3:30 on the Friday of spring break would not be a fun, informative, or energetic experience. It would be a waste of time and, as a former tour guide, I felt it my duty to save our poor guide the extra work of entertaining the two of us, who only wanted to find out where Lorrie Moore's office was. We got to campus and found another coin operated parking garage. What is the point of having garages with meters? Isn't the purpose of a garage so that you can pay with your card and guess the toll booth person's name? Ridiculous. The campus, at first sight, was massive. Buildings, buildings, everywhere. We found the Union on accident and went in to try to find a map and someone to give us change. The first floor of the Union was like a Court House. Big pillars, expensive old furniture, reception desks and long hallways. It was also strangely quiet. We headed downstairs at the advice of the first reception desk. It was like a completely different world. According to Steven, it was Scandinavia. I just thought it felt like a train station. There were people everywhere, souvenir shops and college memorabilia. The food court wound around different pillars, weaving in between the shops and information counters. We stopped to get quarters at a coffee shop, but they cheerlessly would only give us 2 dollars worth. It was a zoo, and I didn't like it one bit. "Is this how LSU was?" I asked, wondering if K-State was the only campus that didn't terrify me. "No. LSU was exactly like K-State." He answered, looking as confused as I felt. Though, he was still imagining himself in Scandinavia, so we weren't really on the same wavelength. We got a few more dollars turned into meter money and headed back upstairs to the quiet calm of deserted hallways.

Here's a picture of me, catching my breath outside the mayhem. You can tell it's me, because my eyes aren't open. This is one of the main reasons that most of my vacation pictures are of other people.

Steven took this picture of the ceiling, whispering Scandinavia, over and over again, under his breath. While he was taking it, I backed into three people trying to come in. Stress makes me awkward. It's one of my many gifts.

Across the street from the Union we found a library and a campus map. I liked the first floor of the library, as it included a reading room. The reading room had popular fiction in paperback, board games, a coffee shop and movies to rent. This is something that I think Hale sorely needs. While I agree that it is primarily for academic purposes, you've also got to cater to the demographic. But that's just the hip librarian in me talking. Someday... someday. We found a map and looked up Lorrie Moore's office number. The computers in the reading room were all macs. How did apple get to be such a status symbol for our generation? We left the library and headed back to the car, determined to find a long-range parking garage now that we were armed with the correct currency. As we pulled in, we were stopped at the booth to get a ticket. Hmm, that's interesting. Then we pulled into a spot and saw - no meters. Naturally. Now that we had turned the rest of our cash into quarters, we finally found the parking garage that you could pay in cash. Or check. Or credit. Was there ever any doubt? If you have been following along you will also not be shocked at what happened next. When exiting the building, we realized that I had been reading the map wrong. We needed to go back the direction that we came. In fact, we needed to go back to the Library where we got the map, because Lorrie Moore's office is in the building attached to the Library. Right above our heads. I sincerely hope that you, dear reader, are not as shocked by this as we were. I am constantly impressed that I continue to survive.

And now, here we were. Standing in front of the elevator, ready to rise to the 6th floor, the land of Lorrie Moore. We had our books. We were brimming with love and nervous energy and geeky enthusiasm about meeting our favorite author. I mean, this is the woman who brought us together, in a way. We were reading Birds of America in Imad's creative writing workshop. On the second day of class, Steven made a comment about the story "Williing" that I had been waiting to make, but he beat me to it. And it was that comment that made me realize a. He was the smartest person in the class and b. I would hate him for it. It is that hatred that made me full of delight when he sent me the two word facebook email about my second story. And it was that two word facebook email that convinced me that we were soulmates. 16 months later, those two words are still sticking. So naturally, when we rode the elevator and arrived outside her door, the whole place was deserted. Dark. Locked. Not a breath of life. She was on Spring Break too. We hadn't run into her in Scandinavia. We hadn't seen her eating crappy Indian food. She was not one of the teenage boys who had been watching basketball for 13 hours at Old Chicago. For all we knew she was in Manhattan, KS, looking for her favorite readers. Of course she wasn't doing that, but it was the only fantasy left.

So Lorrie, if you are googling yourself and find this blog - we came to see you. The windows outside your office are very pretty. It was surprisingly difficult to find copies of your books in local bookstores. And that girl Heather who is in your old office - well, we didn't care too much for her publication on the table. Come back soon.

After the disappointment of the lack of Lorrie, we headed down to State St. for some shopping, coffee and Jamba Juice. It took me a long time to get the hang of the stores - I tried to enter the Goodwill Boutique three times and kept ending up in the poster store next door. But eventually we found some nice shops, interesting people, and quality coffee. I lured Steven into a massive used clothing store called "Ragstock" and he helped me search the racks for a purple t-shirt to go with the dress he picked out for me. After 45 minutes we both couldn't stop sneezing, so I took what I couldn't live without and we had our first shopping bag of the trip. This was important, because Madison is a hippy liberal town and they don't like to give out plastic shopping bags. This meant that my purchases were kept stashed in my purse, which was already filled with the Lorrie Moore books that had not been signed. Feeling relieved that I had finally found a store on my list, we spied the Jamba Juice across the street and practically skipped toward the sunny land of expensive blended fruit.

Every day is improved with a 5 dollar smoothie. After the Jamba Juice rejuvenation, we hit a few bookstores, including a place called "Shakti" which was one of those annoying Eastern ideology shops that sells expensive elephant pillows, yoga mats and books on psychedelics. State St. was littered with these places, but we continued to be lured in by the colors and the interesting shop names. I also tried to find some dresses at an Indian dress boutique, but the owner was a frightening man who pulled the dressing room curtain out behind a wall of dresses and demanded that I try something on. Having a dressing room in the middle of the merchandise is not a great selling method. We also ventured into Madison's feminist bookstore - "A Room of One's Own" and found no Virginia Woolf, but the first copies of Lorrie Moore's books that we had found on the whole trip. I bought Who Will Run the Frog Hospital? which now completes the set. She has a new book coming out in September, and after that I don't know what I'm going to do. Collect different editions? Buy more for friends? Find someone new to love? It's a daunting possibility.

For dinner that evening we went for Sushi at Takara. Sushi, like Jamba Juice, will make everything better. We had miso soup with tofu, edamame, and a feast of Takara's finest rolls. I've never been a fan of sashimi. This might make me only a pseudo fan of sushi, but it makes me too happy to care.

Hello, happiness.

We were going to try to catch "Doubt" at the Majestic Theatre down the street, but we decided to end on a high note and took our stuffed selves over to Michael's custard for dessert. (It was not as good as Freddy's. And more expensive.) We ended the evening with basketball and crankiness. It's almost required, on a 10 hour roadtrip, and 4 days together that we squabble at least a little. We chose Day 3 for our squabbling, which ended with a trip to Wal-Mart at 1 am in the snow. When I went to sleep it was 40 degrees. When I woke up, big flakes were falling and we could not get through the night without a bag of potato chips and more cans of Dr. Pepper. The fridge in the room was really cold, you see, and in the morning, we would pour the pop into those little hotel cups and it would have this thin layer of ice at the top, like a homemade icee. We needed that. And so, after arriving at Wal-Mart and realizing that it was not open 24 hours, and that there were a random group of people huddled together under the awning, waiting for something we weren't privy to, we found the nearest gas station, got what we needed and fell asleep for good.

Day 3 was not remarkable, and State St. was not the magical place that I had envisioned. But it is still the city of Lorrie, and therefore, something special.

Day 2: Lunch is OVER

2009-03-25T22:34:00.000-05:00

The drive from Iowa City to Madison was really pleasant, low traffic and nothing like the drive from Little Rock to Oxford. I think I kept my eyes closed on that entire drive, just imagining the thousands of semis swarming around us like paparazzi. Iowa is much more deserted, and therefore, lovely. I had printed off directions from Google Maps and they continue to be as unreliable as ever. To get from Iowa City to Madison, they led us to turn into a factory off road, drive along a field, find 62nd St. hidden behind a dumpster, and then rejoin traffic on the same road that we had left 5 miles earlier. The only way I realized that we were even back on the right road was because the Semi we had been following had been graffittied with a giant "WOW" across the back end. From then on we abandoned the directions and let WOW control our destiny.

I liked Dubuque, it had a big bridge and a pretty river. That's pretty much all it takes for me to be fascinated. Ooh, the Mississippi. Ooh, we're up high. Ooh, that's an old factory that looks like the Sugar Beet building. Very easy to please. We could've vacationed in Dubuque and I would've been thrilled. Other interesting sites were the dairy farms of Wisconsin. They really do look like every dairy farm I've ever put together in a jigsaw puzzle. Silver and red, rounded top, like when you're taught how to draw 3D shapes in art class. My cylinders always turned into dairy barns. Maybe that should be a new criteria for our vacations. Jigsaw puzzles come to life! Again - Easy to please.

We listened to David Sedaris' When I am Engulfed in Flames on the rest of the roadtrip. Sedaris performs it himself and I thought it was the perfect road book. It's silly and episodic, and if you fall asleep, your dreams take on a bizarre combination of what your ears pick up and your subconscious interprets. I highly recommend it.

We pulled into Madison around 2pm, and checked in at the Road Star Inn. The hotel was not as nice as our Iowa City accommodations, but cheap and quiet, and close to a massive Mini-Golf course, so we decided it would be okay. They did have one really neat feature that Steven and I enjoyed immensely. Every night the desk clerks would show two in-house movies. The first night it was Ringu and The Aviator. The second night we only caught the second which turned out to be Stigmata. And then the third was The Rundown and Ringu again, I believe. We never watched any of the movies, but it was exciting to catch one at the end of the credits and then wait with baited breath as we saw the movie eject, and the new disk icon blink in the corner of the screen. It cushioned the blow of the terrible movie picks. The first night when we got back to the hotel after dinner, The Aviator had just ended, but they still had the title screen up. Steven called and requested that they start the movie again, but he had turned on the commentary by mistake. So then we watched from our room as the clerk attempted to navigate the screen to get it back to the normal feature. By the time he got it fixed, we were over the excitement and fell asleep after 5 minutes. Has anyone made it through the 3.5 hours? Is it worth it?

For our first afternoon in the city, we headed downtown to find food and the famous State Street. I had a bunch of maps and printed directions, which were rendered useless when I realized that Steven is one of those magic men that can see the name of a street and instantly know how the rest of the town is layed out. How do people do this? We basically spent all three days in the same area of Madison, and by the end of the weekend, I still couldn't figure out how to get back to the hotel.

Madison is set up very similar to Oxford, with the college/artsy area of town set up in a box around the Capitol building. Here's Steven, modeling the Capitol and my terrible photo framing abilities.

We were plagued by our lack of cash yet again, as we searched for parking downtown. There were plenty of spaces available in the parking garages, and they were actually very affordable - they just required you to feed the meters. Though we had plenty of dollar bills at that point, we were completely out of change of any kind. Steven finally wrestled into a spot behind a utilities van so we walked through the maze of apartments before getting to the business side of things. There is lots of student housing around the capitol building, because the campus is on the other side of State St. They were all old houses with rows of mailboxes on wooden porches, bicycles locked to every post in sight. It's what I always imagined a college town should look like. I have very idealistic and romanticized visions of Madison. There are bike lanes! People in hats! That girl is wearing a headband! Etc, etc.

After parking and finding the big building in the center, we set out to find food. Our only goal of the trip was to eat food that we couldn't get in Manhattan. So I made a list of different types of food and restaurants in Madison that were suggested and reviewed by TripAdvisor. (Thanks Pam Beesley. I use TripAdvisor all the time, thanks to your review of Schrute Farms B&B). Of course, along with my completely rockin' directions, nearly half of the restaurants that I found were closed. We settled for Italian, which had been bumped from the list in favor of Indonesian food, but we were hungry and had lost all faith in my preparations at that point.

We were the only ones in the place and the waiters were less than thrilled when we walked in for lunch at 4pm on a Thursday. When Steven asked for a lunch menu, the waiter haughtily informed us that lunch was OVER and we would need to order from the dinner menu. Luckily we were on vacation, and I convinced Steven that on vacation we can have two dinners. Or two lunches. Or two of whatever we wanted. Then they brought us bread and all was forgotten.

Here's Steven showing off his fancy penne pasta with pesto and garlic bread. I got something that sounded familiar but ended up looking like three enchiladas stuffed with spinach and cheese. It was delicious, but after seeing Steven's grown-up meal, I felt like I had just accidentally ordered off the children's menu.

Steven tried to order a Cafe Americano for dessert, but our waiter had never heard of it. Instead, he brought him a cup of espresso and a little pitcher of water so he could make it himself. Fine dining at its finest.

We went back to exploring our area of Madison after that, since our coveted spot behind the electric van expired after two hours. There was a mall close to the hotel that I thought included an Anthropologie and Urban Outfitters, but of course, wrong again. Steven got fancy clothes at Banana Republic and I remembered why I don't like malls. We left, discouraged and cranky and went back to the hotel to catch up on the first day of March Madness.

Here's where first dinner came in handy. By the time we got back from the mall it was close to 9pm, and we were not in the mood for covert parking operations for the second time that day. Steven found out that CampusFoods in Madison includes restaurants other than Gumby's and Domino's, so I got out my trusty list and tried to order from several of them, only to miss the delivery deadline by 30 seconds. We finally settled on Indian food, because I was too tired to fight it. As a compromise, I found Sister Act playing on Lifetime and forced Steven to watch it with me. Force isn't really the right word. He whimpered every time I tried to turn it back to the basketball game. This is the man I love. An hour later, as Whoopi and the girls were entertaining the Pope, we both realized that our food still wasn't delivered. Checked with the front desk - no luck. Called Campus Foods - no answer. Called the Indian restaurant and they were closing up for the night. They had no record of our order. Great. Of course I paid for dinner. With my debit card. Why do I not see the signs and act accordingly? My knowledge is 100% hindsight. After 30 minutes, Steven finally got a real person to answer the Campus Food number and we got the order canceled and the money refunded. However, it was 10:30 and we were beyond ready for second dinner. So, on our very first night in the big wide world of Madison, we ended up at....

Not even 24 hours, and our one goal had failed. Steven is supposed to be making a sad face, but he's still giddy from the pesto at first dinner. And he really likes Sister Act.

At least I can pull off a realistic exhausted face.

At least this way, I got to watch basketball and Steven got to eat a steak. And about a third of the way into our dinner, we both realized that second dinner was a bad idea. Again, you'd think that the whole drama with the Indian food place would've made us realize this earlier. I'm the one who is supposed to notice what the universe is trying to tell me. But no. We didn't realize our mistake until we took the first bite. Magic. As we were leaving, we heard a group of boys boasting that they had been there for 13 hours. March Madness is such a happy time of year.

We ended Day 2 with In-house movie excitement, a trip to the ice machine and sweet, bloated sleep. Gluttonous vacation - is there anything better? I'd like to say that I learned from the mistakes of day one, followed the signs, continued to carry cash and quarters, never got lost, and only ate when I was hungry. But of course, that is someone else's story.

Spring Broke - Day One

2009-03-24T20:52:00.000-05:00

I packed up everything the night before we left as I had to pretend to be an adult for 9 more hours and go to work. Longest day of work ever. Of course we were busy, of course there were stupid crises, and of course I was not at my most efficient. Also on this day, I had to forego my lunch break to take a quiz for my Organization of Information class. I tried to sneak away to the Counseling Office, which of course is the only office in the building without an updated computer and didn't have Mozilla downloaded. After an hour and a half, and much needless technical difficulties, I passed, moved on, and rewarded myself with Panda Express for lunch. It was yucky. Never reward yourself with something bad for you. In my experience, it has never EVER worked out. Maybe my stomach is just more sensitive to my conscience. No idea.

Anyway, Steven came to pick me up and we got slushies and went back to the house to make sure we had turned out all the lights and that his computer wasn't hiding out on the front step. All clear and we head out. I have been making Steven listen to Marian Keyes' This Charming Man for the past 3 road trips to Omaha, and so we had to finish that before getting to anything good. If you've read the book, you can relate with Steven's boyish squirming. If not, you should. It's a good Keyes. We stopped at several convenience stores in Topeka, after realizing that neither one of us had even a dollar in cash. Why don't tolls accept debit cards? I haven't carried so much as a quarter since January. Steven finally convinced them (which was no small feat) into admitting that there was a Sunflower Bank in town so that we could get cash without ridiculous ATM fees.

Steven: Do you give cash back?
Conv. Guy: No. There's an ATM behind you.
Steven: Yeah, but I don't want to pay the fee. Is there a Sunflower Bank in town?
Conv. Guy: You're not from town? Creepy leer appears.
Steven: No, is there one nearby?
Conv. Guy: Uh, Gee, I've never even heard of that. What is it again?
Steven: Sunflower Bank
Conv. Guy: Naw man, you should just get cash here. We don't have that.
Steven: They have them all over.
Conv. Guy: Just use ours. It's right there.
Steven: Do you have a phone book? I'll just look it up.
Conv. Guy: Don't do that. There's no bank like that in town. Just get cash here.
Steven: Do you have a phone book or not?
Conv. Guy: Sighs. Fine, I'll look it up. Thumbs through some pages. It's 5 blocks South.

And we win the first battle! The rest of the trip was smooth sailing except for a giant billboard man advertising Terrible Harry's Casino or something like that. It was enormous and grotesque and is the first good advertisement I've seen for not allowing flashing lights on signs. Yuck. We stopped around 11:30 for dinner at Wendy's - Steven wouldn't let us eat at Bennigan's. "But the Monte Cristo!" I said. Apparently not everyone likes deep fat fried sandwiches layered in powdered sugar. Whatever. The Wendy's was abandoned except for one worker who could not, bless him, operate the drive-thru speaker button to save his life. We were worried about him until we saw a car parked in front of us and an older guy peeking in the windows of the restaurant. We get our food, all is well, and the guy comes rushing up to our car and sticks his head in the window, ranting and raving about not getting a straw. Steven and I put on our "don't mess with our straw" faces and the guy whimpers about having waited 5 minutes already. It was animalistic, the way he was hunched, fists clenched, jonesin' for his Wendy's straw. We got out and hid at a gas station until he drove away. Creatures of the night in Iowa are particularly creepy.

We switched there and I drove the final two hours to Iowa City, our stopping point for the evening. Iowa City is the land of Denis Johnson, the elitist Iowa Workshop, and Steven's old friend Colin. Having read Jesus' Son, I was a little disappointed to not see meth labs, heroine needles and hipsters laying in ditches, clutching their moleskins and reciting drunken poetry. Actually, the town seemed really nice, quiet and simple, free of giant roads, big buildings or other aggressive big city landscapes. We must've been on the outskirts. I like to sleep in a quiet part of the town. There's just something about being around other people who are asleep that puts me at ease. I like the lazy areas of the world, where people are content and have a little room to breathe. The hotel was about 8 million times nicer than the hotel we stayed at in Little Rock. That was the first night of our Oxford trip last year, and I think it set us on an uneasy course. Last year, Steven spent the first night puking in the tiny disgusting bathroom, while I tried to keep the windows shut so I didn't see the three men skulking back and forth in front of the door. Last year, the TV got three channels and was nailed to the wall. This year we had a clean room, with a TV and an armoire, and there were no gangs of men sitting in the bed of their pick-ups outside our door. Despite the Johnson letdown, it was a huge improvement.

The next morning, I slept in, exhausted from my 2 hours of driving, and Steven had coffee with a high school friend. I caught the second half of the Today show and what a joke! They had some segment about making your clothes high-fashion. Apparently exposed zippers are all the rage so you can now buy zippers with double stick tape and just attach them to your boring basics to give it some spice. This is what passes as acceptable television. I just hope no one else was watching. We left Iowa City with bagels from Bruegger's and Steven's first Naked Juice and set out on the final leg of our adventure.

To be continued... and with pictures! I have got to get better at taking pictures on vacation. I had this blog in mind the whole time, and still only came back with 8 photos. Grrrr.

Official notice

2009-03-24T15:15:00.000-05:00

I am home from Madison.

It was big and fabulous and I have a new favorite restaurant called The Mediterranean Cafe. Most terrifying and terrific meal of my life.

It is Spring Break in Library School so I'm on week 2 of freedom. Tonight Steven and I are going bowling and watching American Idol. Do you love Anoop yet? You should. This week is Motown, which means karaoke heaven.

I am also Numero Uno in my bracket on Facebook. So far, Utah is the only team to let me down.

I'm wearing my first new shirt that I got at a Goodwill "boutique" in Madison. I put it on this morning and realized that one of the sleeves is missing the elastic at the end. So I have one drape sleeve and one elastic sleeve. I didn't notice until I got to work. I've decided it's more endearing than ridiculous.

And finally... I'm coming home this weekend! Hope for snow and blizzard conditions so that I can be trapped in Garden City for an extra day.

Off to a land that I know not well

2009-03-18T16:49:00.000-05:00

"There were moments bristling with deadness, when she looked out at her life and went, "What?" Or worse, feeling interrupted and tired, "Wha—?"
— Lorrie Moore

Steven and I leave for Madison in eleven - that's right - ELEVEN! - minutes.

Our plans include a great lake, a big museum, an Ice Age trail, Indonesian food, The Drowsy Chaperone at the Overture Theater, Wisconsin's most happening farmer's market and a plethora of road hours and books on mp3.

Pictures and stories to come.

I will never ever give up Spring Break. No matter how big I am.

Sunday funday

2009-03-11T11:45:00.000-05:00

Every Sunday we shirk our class and work responsibilities and spend the day doing whatever we want. Last Sunday we slept in, missed church because of the stupid time change, ate sugar cereal in our pajamas, played tennis, ate greasy food and played trivia at Bobby T's, watched Citizen Kane and Milk and went to bed late. It was a perfect day of fun, and made it ever so much harder to re-join the working world on Monday. But this means that we have officially begun our quest to become more cinematically aware. We are starting at the top of AFI's top 100 movies list and working our way down. I was very surprised by Citizen Kane, having no idea about it except for witty asides the Gilmore Girls have made. On the whole, I enjoyed it much more than I thought I would. I love watching classic movies because the whole world makes more sense after. It's like I've been going through life, collecting references that I had no idea were references. It's like getting my cultural sight back, one tiny piece at a time. This weekend we're watching The Godfather or Casablanca, depending on which AFI list we choose to follow.

Milk was the cheap movie at the union this weekend and I loved it. For some reason, the screen quality of the projector wasn't great, and they couldn't figure out how to turn off the English subtitles, but it made no difference. Sean Penn is so good about getting you to love him. I wish he would just act all the time, so that I could only know him as his characters. That's an odd thing to wish, and probably a little bit heartless, but he's just so good at being people other than himself. I wish I had never seen "Elephant", because it makes it really hard to love Gus Van Sant, but he did a remarkable job of shooting this movie. And Emile Hirsch! My little indie heart just beats and beats for him.

Then last night I forced Steven to watch "Rachel Getting Married" - the new Anne Hathaway movie that everyone had to love. It was fantastic. I don't know if the rest of the world shares my fascination with addiction, but I can't get enough. And Rachel's wedding is officially my new fantasy. If only I could turn Steven into an African American musician with loads of crazy varied musically talented friends. Hmmm....

That's what I've been watching lately. Next up is Happy Go Lucky and Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Reviews to come.

Shhh... Dirty secret

2009-03-10T21:24:00.000-05:00

Deep deep deep down, hidden under my professed love for all whiny indie unknown girl folk music, I have a core of uncontrollable love for pop music.

Kelly Clarkson's album came out today. And it's about 100 kinds of wonderful.

Also, I'm hooked on American Idol again. Anoop reminds me of pretty much every Indian debate nerd I've ever met. It's so familiar. I hope he sticks around for another week.

Wisconsin!

2009-03-04T15:47:00.000-06:00

Steven and I have decided to go to Madison, Wisconsin for Spring Break.

Why?

Lorrie Moore lives there. There's a Jamba Juice AND an Urban Outfitters on the same street. They have the largest antique mall IN THE WORLD. And they have a bookstore. If Steven can find an edition of Beowulf in Old English, he'll even decide that it's a good bookstore.

If there are any other reasons and/or adventures to be had in Madison, please let me know. We are currently trying to stake out a few more things to do and see, so that I don't trap Steven into antique shopping for 8 hours.

Finding a connection

2009-02-25T11:29:00.000-06:00

This article appeared in my inbox this morning, sent from a far away friend who always knows when I need a little help.

The Long Goodbye

By Meghan O'Rourke
Posted Monday, Feb. 16, 2009, at 6:02 PM ET
Slate.com

The other morning I looked at my BlackBerry and saw an e-mail from my mother. At last! I thought. I've missed her so much. Then I caught myself. The e-mail couldn't be from my mother. My mother died a month ago.

The e-mail was from a publicist with the same first name: Barbara. The name was all that had showed up on the screen.

My mother died of metastatic colorectal cancer sometime before 3 p.m. on Christmas Day. I can't say the exact time, because none of us thought to look at a clock for some time after she stopped breathing. She was in a hospital bed in the living room of my parents' house (now my father's house) in Connecticut with my father, my two younger brothers, and me. She had been unconscious for five days. She opened her eyes only when we moved her, which caused her extreme pain, and so we began to move her less and less, despite cautions from the hospice nurses about bedsores.

For several weeks before her death, my mother had been experiencing some confusion due to ammonia building up in her brain as her liver began to fail. And yet, irrationally, I am confident my mother knew what day it was when she died. I believe she knew we were around her. And I believe she chose to die when she did. Christmas was her favorite day of the year; she loved the morning ritual of walking the dogs, making coffee as we all waited impatiently for her to be ready, then slowly opening presents, drawing the gift-giving out for hours. This year, she couldn't walk the dogs or make coffee, but her bed was in the room where our tree was, and as we opened presents that morning, she made a madrigal of quiet sounds, as if to indicate that she was with us.

Since my mother's death, I have been in grief. I walk down the street; I answer my phone; I brush my hair; I manage, at times, to look like a normal person, but I don't feel normal. I am not surprised to find that it is a lonely life: After all, the person who brought me into the world is gone. But it is more than that. I feel not just that I am but that the world around me is deeply unprepared to deal with grief. Nearly every day I get e-mails from people who write: "I hope you're doing well." It's a kind sentiment, and yet sometimes it angers me. I am not OK. Nor do I find much relief in the well-meant refrain that at least my mother is "no longer suffering." Mainly, I feel one thing: My mother is dead, and I want her back. I really want her back—sometimes so intensely that I don't even want to heal. At least, not yet.

Nothing about the past losses I have experienced prepared me for the loss of my mother. Even knowing that she would die did not prepare me in the least. A mother, after all, is your entry into the world. She is the shell in which you divide and become a life. Waking up in a world without her is like waking up in a world without sky: unimaginable. What makes it worse is that my mother was young: 55. The loss I feel stems partly from feeling robbed of 20 more years with her I'd always imagined having.

I say this knowing it sounds melodramatic. This is part of the complexity of grief: A piece of you recognizes it is an extreme state, an altered state, yet a large part of you is entirely subject to its demands. I am aware that I am one of the lucky ones. I am an adult. My mother had a good life. We had insurance that allowed us to treat her cancer and to keep her as comfortable as possible before she died. And in the past year, I got to know my mother as never before. I went with her to the hospital and bought her lunch while she had chemotherapy, searching for juices that wouldn't sting the sores in her mouth. We went to a spiritual doctor who made her sing and passed crystals over her body. We shopped for new clothes together, standing frankly in our underwear in the changing room after years of being shyly polite with our bodies. I crawled into bed with her and stroked her hair when she cried in frustration that she couldn't go to work. I grew to love my mother in ways I never had. Some of the new intimacy came from finding myself in a caretaking role where, before, I had been the one taken care of. But much of it came from being forced into openness by our sense that time was passing. Every time we had a cup of coffee together (when she was well enough to drink coffee), I thought, against my will: This could be the last time I have coffee with my mother.

Grief is common, as Hamlet's mother Gertrude brusquely reminds him. We know it exists in our midst. But I am suddenly aware of how difficult it is for us to confront it. And to the degree that we do want to confront it, we do so in the form of self-help: We want to heal our grief. We want to achieve an emotional recovery. We want our grief to be teleological, and we've assigned it five tidy stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Yet as we've come to frame grief as a psychological process, we've also made it more private. Many Americans don't mourn in public anymore—we don't wear black, we don't beat our chests and wail. We may—I have done it—weep and rail privately, in the middle of the night. But we don't have the rituals of public mourning around which the individual experience of grief were once constellated.

And in the weeks since my mother died, I have felt acutely the lack of these rituals. I was not prepared for how hard I would find it to re-enter the slipstream of contemporary life, our world of constant connectivity and immediacy, so ill-suited to reflection. I envy my Jewish friends the ritual of saying kaddish—a ritual that seems perfectly conceived, with its built-in support group and its ceremonious designation of time each day devoted to remembering the lost person. So I began wondering: What does it mean to grieve in a culture that—for many of us, at least—has few ceremonies for observing it? What is it actually like to grieve? In a series of pieces over the next few weeks, I'll delve into these questions and also look at the literature of grieving, from memoirs to medical texts. I'll be doing so from an intellectual perspective, but also from a personal one: I want to write about grief from the inside out. I will be writing about my grief, of course, and I don't pretend that it is universal. But I hope these pieces will reflect something about the paradox of loss, with its monumental sublimity and microscopic intimacy.

Click here for the next installment

From Manhattan to Berkeley....

2009-02-24T09:32:00.000-06:00

We lost another one.

I am definitely buying season tickets. Steven has even agreed to buy them too, so that I can finally introduce him to the best of Wildcat tradition.

But I'm getting a little bit aggravated with the lack of loyalty.

New Lorrie!

2009-02-18T10:39:00.000-06:00

Foes: by Lorrie Moore

"He saw now that her fingernails really were plastic, that the hand really was a dry frozen claw, that the face that had seemed intriguingly exotic had actually been scarred by fire and only partially repaired. He saw how she was cloaked in a courageous and intense hideosity. The hair was beautiful but now he imagined it was probably a wig. Pity poured through him: he'd never before felt so sorry for someone. How could someone have suffered so much? How could someone have come so close to death, so unfairly, so painfully and heroically, and how could he still want to strangle them?"

An open letter from Coach Snyder

2009-02-18T09:51:00.000-06:00

To the amazing students of Kansas State University:

Your support of the basketball team Saturday afternoon continues to be amazing. You mean so very much to players and coaches. I greatly appreciate your visible support of your university and your athletic programs. And a very special thank you for the heartwarming reception you have given my family and me at the basketball games. You are the best!

-Coach Bill Snyder

We saw Coach on TV during the game, and we all jumped up and cheered. Betsy mentioned that every living room in the state of Kansas just did the same thing. It's letters like this that keep living rooms of K-State fans happy and proud, all year long.

Real or fake?

2009-02-12T09:52:00.001-06:00

You decide.

Either way, it's interesting. I kind of think he's more attractive now. Weird? Definitely.

My future (borrowed from McSweeney's dispatches)

2009-02-11T11:34:00.000-06:00

Ten reasons to be a librarian

You totally get to classify things.

Where else are you going to ruin a person's day over a 20-cent fine?

The funky glasses make you easily mistaken for a hipster.

You can make up whatever you want and people will believe you just because you're a librarian.

You get first dibs on unclaimed items in the lost-and-found box.

You get to be in charge of buying furniture that is least likely to show a piss stain.

Playing Scrabble on the Internet can be considered "professional development."

The most stressful thing that happens is arguing with people over why they cannot view their favorite pornography website.

Get to spend two hours designing a sign that says the library will be closed for the holidays.

No one says anything when you fall asleep during a meeting.

Ten reasons not to be a librarian

Who wants to go to grad school for two years to learn theory you will never use?

Those little punk teenagers on skateboards.

People kind of expect you to know things.

If you know enough about how to find information to be a good librarian, you can definitely make more money doing something else.

People automatically assume that you have some weird fetish for cats.

People expect you to help them find things when you are not working just because you know how.

Some people think you are weird because you classify things in your house—like clothes and dishes.

Writing library policy can be about as fun as watching paint dry.

Every great idea you have is likely to get shot down as soon as someone says, "Let's form a committee to decide things."

At some point in your career, someone will, or will try to, physically assault you over something incredibly lame (like not giving him or her more time on the Internet).

Care to live vicariously through my future self? Here's more.

(All content posted while at my current job. Work is good.)

25 Random things

2009-01-27T19:30:00.000-06:00

1. I prefer salty to sugary.
2. I've turned into a bit of a loner.
3. I like watching TV by myself. Unless I've already seen it, then I like to watch it with Steven. He always laughs more than anyone.
4. If I could get paid more for my job, I would probably stay there forever.
5. I'm very picky about food and drink.
6. I'm snooty about beer. As in, I don't like to drink anything I can see through. Or anything that comes in a can.
7. I really enjoy quiet, slow movies.
8. My tolerance for violence in movies has gone way down. I don't think I would be able to watch Tarantino anymore.
9. Even though I tease Abby about it, I will put off cutting my toenails for weeks.
10. I set my alarm for an hour before I have to get up.
11. The only way I can really get up on time is if I have to go to the bathroom. So I drink a ton of water right before I go to sleep.
12. I'm obsessed with trying to figure out my real motivation for things.
13. I fear that I'm too selfish.
14. I love all things orange.
15. I spend too much money at Urban Outfitters.
16. I like to decorate my apartment with strange looking art.
17. I wish I was better at photography.
18. I hate wearing jeans.
19. I wear dresses in the winter, even when I walk to work.
20. I've become the weird lady with colored socks.
21. I wish I lived in a different decade.
22. Carnival food is my comfort food.
23. I rarely finish milk before it expires.
24. I like to write from life.
25. I always wish I had more to say.

A ha!

2009-01-10T00:38:00.000-06:00

I discovered her.

Obviously, President-elect Barack Obama has been reading *my* blog for advice about which poet to pick for the Inauguration.

This little ditty was posted in my blog waaaaay back in July 2007.

Blues- Elizabeth Alexander

I am lazy, the laziest
girl in the world. I sleep during
the day when I want to, ’til
my face is creased and swollen,
’til my lips are dry and hot. I
eat as I please: cookies and milk
after lunch, butter and sour cream
on my baked potato, foods that
slothful people eat, that turn
yellow and opaque beneath the skin.
Sometimes come dinnertime Sunday
I am still in my nightgown, the one
with the lace trim listing because
I have not mended it. Many days
I do not exercise, only
consider it, then rub my curdy
belly and lie down. Even
my poems are lazy. I use
syllabics instead of iambs,
prefer slant to the gong of full rhyme,
write briefly while others go
for pages. And yesterday,
for example, I did not work at all!
I got in my car and I drove
to factory outlet stores, purchased
stockings and panties and socks
with my father’s money.
To think, in childhood I missed only
one day of school per year. I went
to ballet class four days a week
at four-forty-five and on
Saturdays, beginning always
with plie, ending with curtsy.
To think, I knew only industry,
the industry of my race
and of immigrants, the radio
tuned always to the station
that said, Line up your summer
job months in advance. Work hard
and do not shame your family,
who worked hard to give you what you have.
There is no sin but sloth. Burn
to a wick and keep moving.
I avoided sleep for years,
up at night replaying
evening news stories about
nearby jailbreaks, fat people
who ate fried chicken and woke up
dead. In sleep I am looking
for poems in the shape of open
V’s of birds flying in formation,
or open arms saying, I forgive you, all.

And now, that little biddy has been selected as America's 4th Inaugural poet.

All thanks to me.

Boo-yah.

New Ingrid!

2008-12-13T00:10:00.001-06:00

A new find

2008-12-12T23:53:00.001-06:00

The Wailin' Jennys - Long Time Traveler

A Christmas album worth endorsing

2008-12-08T18:17:00.000-06:00

1. Winter Song - Ingrid Michaelson & Sara Bareilles
2. The Heartache Can Wait - Brandi Carlile
3. All My Bells are Ringing - Lenka
4. Sleigh Ride - KT Tunstall
5. Silver Bells - Alice Smith
6. Blue Christmas - Nicole Atkins
7. Frosty the Snowman - Fiona Apple
8. I'll Be Home for Christmas - Holly Conlan
9. Maybe Next Year (X-mas Song) - Meiko
10. White Christmas - Katy Perry
11. Mistletoe - Colbie Caillat
12. Silent Night - Priscilla Ahn
13. Winter Wonderland - Kate Havnevik
14. The Christmas Song - Catherine Feeny
15. Auld Lang Syne - (A medley including Anya Marina, Cary Brothers, Jesca Hoop, Butch Walker, and everyone else you love)

I knew it was too easy

2008-12-04T18:32:00.000-06:00

We found our second dead mouse today.

I've got to start investing in cheaper mousetraps. And better apartment choosing ability.

Happy mouse day to you. Enjoy the feeling of not straining your ear to every sound, watching every step, and having to send Steven to the bathroom every time you need to get up in the middle of the night.

Maybe tomorrow we'll find bugs in the microwave.

The calm feeling of nostalgia

2008-11-24T17:42:00.001-06:00

"The Kansas State family is in flux right now. I want to be able to help. I want to be able to soothe the waters." ~ Bill Snyder

I'm glad you're back. Even if you can't get us another shot at a national title or an 11 win season, it will be so so nice to have you on the sideline again.

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.

Music time

2008-11-08T04:02:00.001-06:00

I'm up too late again. Steven works nights, which means that I mill around and find ridiculous things to do until 4 in the morning. I think I just cleaned the apartment for 5 hours. And now I'm waiting on my 6th load of laundry to dry before I go to sleep.

Luckily my predicament led me to music videos.

On Sunday, Steven and I celebrate a year of togetherness. I have class in Omaha and then we're driving to Lawrence for dinner for our tummies and music for our souls. Jaymay + Meiko + Liberty Hall = divine satisfaction.

Be nice to your ears and click on the links. You won't be sorry.

Happy weekends to all. Think positive thoughts for OSU and the Wildcats.

Meiko - How Lucky We Are - House Of Blues Cleveland

2008-11-08T03:57:00.001-06:00

Pretty, shiny, ridiculous hope

2008-11-07T16:51:00.000-06:00

At least it was true for a few minutes...

K-State, TCU officials deny Patterson rumors

3:26 PM Fri, Nov 07, 2008
Bobbi Roquemore

Kansas State athletic director Bob Krause said that his school has not hired TCU's Gary Patterson as its new football coach.

"We're in the early stages and we've talked to no candidates at this point," Krause said in a phone interview.

A TCU spokesman said there was "no truth" to the information.

"Patterson has not talked to anybody," he said.

A Rivals.com affiliate published a report today saying not only that Patterson had been hired but even detailed provisions in the contract.

Krause flat out denied the report.

"This is a published report by a private group that really claimed they had verified it from several sources," Krause said. "They never called me, and they should have."

Krause said he's fielded about 15 phone calls regarding the matter and his e-mail box is exploding. The TCU spokesman said his phone was "blowing up."

"It's an embarrassment, and while I'm sure we have no part in it, I'm sure it reflects back to the university," Krause said. "But it is what it is, and we'll try to maintain our sense of humor."

Crazy news story of the day...

2008-11-06T16:07:00.000-06:00

Jogger runs mile with rabid fox locked to arm

4 hours ago

LOS ANGELES (AFP) — A woman jogger ran for a mile with a rabid fox clamped to her arm before locking the animal in the trunk of her car and racing to hospital for treatment, police said Thursday.

Michelle Felicetta was out running on a trail at the base of Granite Mountain near Prescott, northern Arizona on Monday when she came face-to-face with the fox in a clearing, Yavapai County Sheriff's Office said.

The woman attempted to back away from the animal but as she did so the fox lunged and sunk its teeth into her feet. After grabbing the animal by the neck the fox bit Felicetta on the arm and would not release his grip.

The quick-thinking jogger realized she would need to keep the animal for testing so ran back to her car where she managed to prise its jaws open before throwing it in the trunk and driving to hospital.

The fox also bit an animal control officer who attempted to remove it from Felicetta's car. Both Felicetta and the animal officer will have to now undergo a series of vaccinations for treatment.

"This fox made eye contact with me and started walking towards me," Felicetta later told KPHO local television. "That's when I knew something was really wrong."

~~~~~

Happy Thursday, all! Just remember... your day could be worse.

Come on.... Venables!

2008-11-05T15:49:00.000-06:00

http://www.kstatesports.com/ViewArticle.dbml?SPSID=3065&SPID=212&DB_OEM_ID=400&ATCLID=1618716

Grown-up things

2008-10-28T16:39:00.001-05:00

I have to get renter's insurance. And finally get the car insurance in my name.

Any suggestions? So far the lowest rate I've found is for State Farm. But that was without the car insurance package deal.

Tips, tools, experience, stories, etc.... would be extremely helpful. The only insurance I'm used to is in the game of LIFE.

Real world guidance is always welcome.