6.18

I noticed on facebook that today is a special day for many people in my newsfeed.  Birthdays, weddings, the Ali Kemp anniversary.  This date has been etched in my memory, to the point that the assembly of numbers 618 pop out at me constantly.  The time of day, an address, a room number, a course listing.  This day seems to hold so much weight for people in my circle of the universe and it's an interesting thing, to sit on the sidelines and observe their piece of this day's history.

It's been 4 long years, and there are many more to come.  So many milestones have passed without her already and it's still unfathomable to think of the future without her.  The scary dreams have passed and the guilt comes and goes.  This year I felt good when I woke up, and we went swimming and I ate breakfast and had a reasonably productive day at work.  I felt happy, bolstered by the good choices I made throughout the day.  I like thinking that she's proud of me for getting up in the morning and exercising, eating healthy, going to work, not spending money and being kind to others.  Tonight I'll take a walk, enjoy a quiet moment on my own and then go through a closet and throw something away - just for her.  This is how I honor her, how I retain sanity on this day and all the others.  One penny saved, one good deed, one productive chore, one healthy choice.  It's the best I can do, and I know she'd like that.

Mama, I'll miss you at 6:18, on 6/18, while walking past the house at 618 17th St.  And I'll miss you all the other times too.  Lub lub.